My heart is big, but with its largesse comes a certain fragility. It seems that, for me, there can't be one without the other. I'm proud to be me. I'm confident in the way I love others, wholly and completely, and from my soul. And even though it's arguable whether some would deserve such love at times, if you're with me, that's what you get.
It's the only love I know how to give. Bruises heal, but my love... It's a forever thing...
Unfortunately though, so is my clumsiness. Such is true in my love life, as well as in my everyday activities...
At least I'm consistent?
Last night, I stumbled out of bed, half asleep around 1 am to use the bathroom. I don't usually take my armbraces into the bathroom with me. Typically, I prop them up on the door frame and walk in unaided.
Last night though, in my sleepy fog, was different.
I walked straight into the bathroom and my right armbrace slipped on the rug next to the shower. I fell face-first into the toilet.
As soon as my head hit the porcelain, I knew I was bleeding. I could feel the warmth running down my chin.
I checked to see if my teeth were all there. Then I just laid in the floor for what seemed like the next half hour (but was probably more like 10 minutes) holding my t-shirt to my face applying pressure to lessen the bleeding.
I debated calling the ambulance, but decided against it. This was not a real emergency. Just a minor fall worth a few stitches.
No big deal. Just impaled by my own tooth. That's all. (I took these pictures to send to my parents last night to show them why I was headed to the ER.)I was able to call a cab and was at the ER in 20 minutes. The face is a particularly sensitive area, but this wasn't my first time with face stitches, so it was old hat.
I did however find it ironic that I had to wear a "fall risk" bracelet for the duration of my stay. Given my current state, I thought that fact seemed pretty obvious.
About 3 hours and 3 stitches later, I was back home walking the dog around 4 in the morning before heading back to sleep.
All in all, the fall could have been much worse, and things at the ER went pretty smoothly. I was grateful that those 3 stitches were my only damage.
But as I was riding in the cab home last night, the cabbie, who had driven me to work a few times before, said, "I know you live alone... but you don't have any friends you could call??"
I sat in silence, because in that moment, I felt very alone.
I did have people I could call. I'm blessed in this area to have a number of friends who live relatively close and wouldn't have minded to help.
But to be honest, when I fell, my main concern was getting myself to the ER on my own...Not waking someone else or their family up for a situation I could easily handle alone.
Sure, it sometimes makes me lonely to think that I don't have a "person" for this... Or any of life's crazy situations. But at the same time, I don't need one either. I want people to want me around because they want me around, not because they feel obligated to help me.
I am a person who likes to serve others, so I understand the desire to want to get to know someone through serving them... But at the same time, I would feel much more comfortable asking someone to help me if that person has already made an effort to get to know me outside of any acts of service.
I am a person to know, not just something to do. And I think that fact can get lost when someone sees me through eyes of pity. To a typically functioning person, it might seem that my life is harder, or that I have "so much trouble" with certain tasks...just because I live life differently....
And maybe because I tend to have an accident every 7 years or so (my last er trip was in 2007...so I guess I was due.)
But I don't see it that way at all. I think quick on my feet... And lying on the floor after a fall for that matter...
I am unfazed by blood, guts, gore, and most pain.
I don't freak out and go all drama queen in unpleasant or unexpected situations.
Accidents happen.
Sure, I may have more experience with them than some... But my experiences have cultivated in me characteristics that I love.
Characteristics that make me flexible and approachable and not easily shaken.
That make me a strong will and a sturdy soul.
Characteristics that make me a good friend. A strong advocate.
A capable wife. A confident mother.
I am more than just a "poor girl who needs help" or "a set of unfortunate circumstances..."
I am the soul that God created me to be.
I know that He believes in my abilities. He proves His belief in me and His love for me over and over....each time He allows me to experience something new or difficult and push through to the other side....
And if God, Who knows all of me because I am His, has such confidence in me as His Daughter and His Servant, who are any Earthly beings who only know what they choose to see in me to think otherwise??
