The Waiting Game

It seems I'm waiting for a lot of things in life these days. I'm waiting for the DC Bar to finish my character and fitness check, even though it's been over a year since I submitted the last "correction" to my application. I'm waiting for an acceptance/rejection letter from Georgetown. I'm waiting to find a better job opportunity than the one I have (I've been waiting on that one for quite a while.) This past week, I waited all week to hear back from someone who I thought would call me.... and he didn't.

I've discovered that all this waiting does nothing but allow me to focus on what I don't have... and that is not healthy. It is hard to legitimately tell myself that I will stop letting the "waiting game" play me as much as is has lately. I'm somewhat of a chronic worrier, and I think that telling myself I will worry less would be making a promise I couldn't keep. So instead, I'm more cognisant of when I let my waiting worries get me down in the dumps... and am repeating an old practice that I started back in high school.

Every time I start to worry, I repeat Matthew 6:33 over and over in my head. "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you." It would be unfortunate if I actually posted the number of times I've had to repeat this verse to myself in just one day... but participating in this exercise always drives home to me the truth. That I wait... and I worry too much about waiting.

Justin and I fought about this often, because when I would want to talk about my worries, he would always get frustrated and ask me what kind of Christian was I who couldn't just put my faith in God at all times that He would give me what I need. Even though at the time I saw it as him just attacking the imperfections in my Christian life, he had a point. I don't doubt God outright by thinking that He won't give me what I need, but I dislike feeling that I'm so "out of control" in some areas of my life. I should be more willing to just trust that He is in control and let be what must.

I can't control when I am sworn into the DC Bar.

I can't control whether I find a good job.

I can't control whether I get into one of the best schools in the country.

I can't control whether a man who I really like feels the same about me.

I'm always going to be worried about what I can't control in my life.... because I am human and that is one of my flaws. So, my new goal, other than endlessly repeating Matthew 6:33 under my breath, is to focus on what I can control.

I can control how I treat others.

I can control how Godly I act.

I can control what I can do to improve situations for myself and others.

And I can control what I do and say each day to improve my relationship with God.

After all, I know that I must seek Him first to achieve anything.

Shameless Plug: Race for the Cure

Global Race: June 5th 2010. National Mall.

Visit my site to help me reach my fundraising goal!


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In my head...

I've had a lot to think about lately. Natural disasters. Earthquakes. Coal mines. Health care. Despite my crazy, erratic Facebook posts, which usually depend more on my mood than what's actually going on in my head at the moment, I do keep up with current events. In fact, yesterday was the first day I had been home late enough in the morning to watch part of a morning news program.

Usually, I leave home for work so early each day that the only things playing on the television are Nick at Nite, Dora the Explorer, and those really creepy "The-Shining"-like infomercials about teaching your 3-month-old to read. Yesterday, I learned about a father who rescued his drowning baby James-Bond-style after she fell from a sightseeing ship, a guy who shot a high schooler after the kid's ball accidentally grazed his car during a game of touch football, and a California seismologist who assures me that we have 13 more earthquakes to look forward to this year, as our yearly total is normally around 17. With the exception of the baby-saving story, it was all pretty depressing.

I wish there could be some sort of program that gave us all the depressing news and then told us what we as individual viewers could do to help rectify or address the situations. I know that prayer always works wonders and that if I'm ever unsure of what to do to help someone in need, I can pray. At the same time though, part of me wanted to send a card to the fallen high schooler's family; another part of me wanted to do more to make sure those I know are well-prepared in the event of a natural disaster (earthquake, tornado, whatever.)

I realize that sending a card wouldn't really do much to ease the pain for the kid's grief-stricken family and that there is really only so much preparing for a natural disaster one can do, but sometimes, I think doing a little bit of something is better than doing a whole lot of nothing.