And we interrupt your regularly scheduled programming...

...to bring you this update from the lowest, deepest depths of the rumor mill at my job.

Ok, ok, ok... so I know that I had promised a blog about disability pride as the next issue on my agenda, BUT I have a real treat for you today. One that you will not believe, because my own ears are still ringing in shock from the news.

PREFACE

I don't believe I've ever mentioned here that I work in an office where the staff is 90% female... and as stereotypical as I'm about to sound... just take my word for it when I say that the majority of females like to gossip. The ladies with whom I share my work are no exception to this general rule.

Knowing the affinity for gossip held by these ladies who lunch -- upon whom I bestow this title because the majority of their gossiping takes place between the hours of 12 pm and 2 pm at the long rectangular lunch table just outside my cubicle-- I have chosen to confide in only one person in the office. The person with whom I share my deepest thoughts and secrets, despite being female, does not lunch with the aforementioned ladies.

___________________________________________________________________

So imagine my surprise today when my good friend comes to me and tells me she has heard a rumor comprised of the following information:

1. I am pregnant.

2. Baby Daddy is a guy who I met online and have mentioned in my blog before (see first entry). I'd only ever mentioned this person one time at work (in passing) and I have in all actuality never been in the same phsyical location with him in order to say hello, let alone conceive a child.*+

3. My parents would be upset, because this child would be of a mixed heritage.**

Once my friend had approached me with this rumor-- which she prefaced with an "I'm sure this isn't true, but..."-- we had a good laugh at the expense of the ladies who lunch, and remarked on the crazy soap opera that my life had apparently become in their hands.

I wondered what could possibly have prompted this person to spread such a rumor (I wasn't told who she is, but I am fairly certain I know). It reminds me of high school in a way. Back then, I was much more generous with the information I'd divulge about myself, because I was still under the impression that most people were genuine and good at heart, and would never tell untruths about me for no reason whatsoever.

I'm not saying that I was a perfect little girl; I wasn't. I was a normal teenager, and while I was a truthful person, an exaggeration or embellishment of events here or there had been known to cross my lips. This was mostly because I was looking for the same thing every other teenager in Podunkville, KY--and in Every City, Everystate-- was looking for. Acceptance.

In a town where there was little to do and even fewer places to go, the topics of conversation were usually sex and livestock, though they were not often discussed simultaneously. People from my past will tell you that I graduated high school with a litany of half-truths surrounding my relationship with the person I'd classify as my high school sweetheart. Some of them I knew about; some of them I didn't. It wasn't until I graduated high school that I learned from my mother a series of bizarre (untrue) rumors surrounding certain activities in a janitor's closet had actually gotten back to her.

In my adult years, I have learned to be a bit more choosy about the people to whom I open myself and truly let inside. My lack of a poker face and the frequency of my Facebook updates may make it seem as though I'm an open book, but the majority of my emotion bubbles below the surface, and can only be tapped by a select few of my closest confidants. I can count these people on one hand.

With that said, I laugh heartily in the face of this most recent crazy story, told by a person who doesn't know me-- a tale full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.




_______________________________________________________________________

*And if I had been in the same physical location as this person and had the opportunity to conceive a child, it would not have happened, as I believe in (a) monogamy, (b) marriage before children, IF children are to be had, and (c) knowing the middle name of anyone who could potentially father my offspring.

** This would never be the case. The person who started this rumor does not know me and certainly does not know my parents. This, other than one rather crude comment made about me to my friend, which I am choosing not to include here, was the most disturbing part of the rumor to me.

+ To Baby Daddy--
A. If you're reading this, it seems you owe me some child support. Pay up.

B. Which of us is to be the first to contact CNN/FoxNews/MSNBC about the second immaculate conception? There is money to be made and perhaps a Lifetime Movie Network deal to be signed, possibly eliminating the need for the aforementioned child support payments.

C. What's your middle name?

D. Hope your girlfriend doesn't mind.

________________________________________________________________

The Waiting Game

It seems I'm waiting for a lot of things in life these days. I'm waiting for the DC Bar to finish my character and fitness check, even though it's been over a year since I submitted the last "correction" to my application. I'm waiting for an acceptance/rejection letter from Georgetown. I'm waiting to find a better job opportunity than the one I have (I've been waiting on that one for quite a while.) This past week, I waited all week to hear back from someone who I thought would call me.... and he didn't.

I've discovered that all this waiting does nothing but allow me to focus on what I don't have... and that is not healthy. It is hard to legitimately tell myself that I will stop letting the "waiting game" play me as much as is has lately. I'm somewhat of a chronic worrier, and I think that telling myself I will worry less would be making a promise I couldn't keep. So instead, I'm more cognisant of when I let my waiting worries get me down in the dumps... and am repeating an old practice that I started back in high school.

Every time I start to worry, I repeat Matthew 6:33 over and over in my head. "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you." It would be unfortunate if I actually posted the number of times I've had to repeat this verse to myself in just one day... but participating in this exercise always drives home to me the truth. That I wait... and I worry too much about waiting.

Justin and I fought about this often, because when I would want to talk about my worries, he would always get frustrated and ask me what kind of Christian was I who couldn't just put my faith in God at all times that He would give me what I need. Even though at the time I saw it as him just attacking the imperfections in my Christian life, he had a point. I don't doubt God outright by thinking that He won't give me what I need, but I dislike feeling that I'm so "out of control" in some areas of my life. I should be more willing to just trust that He is in control and let be what must.

I can't control when I am sworn into the DC Bar.

I can't control whether I find a good job.

I can't control whether I get into one of the best schools in the country.

I can't control whether a man who I really like feels the same about me.

I'm always going to be worried about what I can't control in my life.... because I am human and that is one of my flaws. So, my new goal, other than endlessly repeating Matthew 6:33 under my breath, is to focus on what I can control.

I can control how I treat others.

I can control how Godly I act.

I can control what I can do to improve situations for myself and others.

And I can control what I do and say each day to improve my relationship with God.

After all, I know that I must seek Him first to achieve anything.

Jess Does DC.... and Other Not-So-Sordid Tales

When my life changed last year and I lost one of the best friends I'd ever had (which is sad considering how he treated me sometimes) I had promised that I would re-devote my old blog at vivelajeunesse.vox.com to chronicling my own life instead of occasional broken-hearted rants.

Since then, everytime I've opened up that page, a wave of sadness has come over me. I have opened up the box to compose a new entry and have stopped short each time. I begin reading my old words, over and over, reliving the pain that I went through when my relationship with Justin ended. I'm "over" that phase of my life now (as much as anyone can be over a promise of forever long forgotten by the promissor). I decided that this rehashing of old feelings was unhealthy for me in a lot of ways and that my new life needed a new space.... so.... here we are. Lepantouflejaun (the yellow slipper) will be coming to you from various locations around the DC Metropolitan area, reporting on life as a single crippy chick in our nation's capital.

I'll admit to you now that I started this blog for the same reason I have started all of my other blogs. I love to write. I'm not the best writer, but "they" say everyone has a novel in her, and assuming that the ubiquitous "they" are right, you'll be privvy to my long-awaited novel, right here, right now, and in real time.

On January 1, 2010, I was in my apartment here in Fairfax, VA, watching Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with my mom, my brother, my father and my aunt. We made the trip from Kentucky to DC on New Year's Eve Eve, an excursion that is becoming a family tradition since my parents want to help me carry my gifts back home instead of letting me lug them onto a plane and pay the $25 baggage fee.

I toasted the New Year with sparkling grape juice in one hand and a McDonald's vanilla milkshake in the other. I thanked God for allowing me to live another year in one piece and relatively unscathed. And it was between the second or third mid-milk brain freeze that I made a decision. 2010 was going to be all about me.

Now that may sound a little selfish, and it probably is, but I had spent from late 2007-2009 being completely consumed and concerned with someone else's problems without receiving reciprocal attention; I thought it was important for me to learn how to be comfortable being me again. I hadn't really struck out to start doing things in the city because I was literally on the phone with Justin almost every waking minute. When I wasn't on the phone with him, I was concerning myself with how to find a job for him, how to help him move out here, and how to help him pay his bills. This year, I get to be concerned about myself, to make friends and reconnect with old ones, to explore the city, volunteer more, go to the theater, walk the streets, to decide what I like to do for me.

So far, I've made some awesome friends, most of them other people with disabilities. This has been an amazing experience for me because my friends with disabilities tend to get me in a way that my able-bodied friends cannot (even though they are all still awesome). It's hard to think of a way to describe my feelings accurately. When I am out with my friends who have disabilities, I never feel inadequate. We all have our quirks about us, able-bodied or not, but when a group of people with disabilities pull together, we compliment each other so well. We are are never impatient with what others might consider shortcomings, because we realize that they are what they are-- a part of us. Being around my friends with disabilities helps me to see my own disability as a gift rather than a gripe. It has granted me the qualities of patience, adaptability, and forethought.

I have discovered too that I love to empower others around me who may not have as much pride in their disability. I tend to be the motivator in my small group. I didn't discover how much I truly loved being an advocate for others with disabilities until this year. It has inspired me to go back to school for my Masters in Disability Studies. Georgetown has a program and I've applied. I should hear back sometime within the week. I'm hoping and praying I get in because I think it is an opportunity that when coupled with my law degree will open up a lot more opportunities for me to help others with disabilities.

I also had one more goal for this year. I wanted to focus on finding someone who loves me-- really loves me. Despite my faults. For my faults. Because of my faults. I wasn't even sure if that was possible, but I was going to try. I am hard-wired to want a family. I want to find the person who thinks that taking care of others is as important as I do, who will take care of me and let me take care of him. I want to find someone who I can trust to keep me safe and protect me. I want to find someone who loves God and wants to be with me in heaven. I want to find someone who could be my entire family until I'm 83. I'm at a point in my life where I think I want kids and I think I'd be a good mother... but honestly, the most important thing to me is finding someone who wants to be my companion for the rest of our lives. Beyond that, we can figure the rest out later.

I registered for several dating sites-- even one for people with disabilities. Since then, I've gone out on a few first dates; it's been an interesting and odd experience for me going out with people I don't know from Adam... but good for my self-esteem. And fun. Meeting new people is always fun.

Strangely though, the person I really like has not yet met me in person... because he lives in another state. I won't divulge much at all, because these are the interwebs, but the basics are these. He's older than me by 11 almost 12 years, which may sound like a lot, but after my last few relationships, I knew that to find anything meaningful, I knew I wanted to date someone older. He has a disability too, CP, like me, which means we have the instant crippy connection. We can talk for hours and it feels like 20 minutes. He makes me laugh. He listens to me when I have bad days and calms me down without making me feel like a girly idiot. And even from so many miles away, he can make me feel pretty. He says nice things to me for no reason-- something I'm not used to. We have some of the same pastimes, both love food, CHEESE, and fun weekends. He challenges me in good ways. He loves God, but admits he's flawed... which is not an easy thing for most people to do. He's just awesome in my book. Talking to him most every day is a part of the day I really look forward to.

Granted, we've not met in person yet, so we haven't been on a date and things may change when he sees me outside a photograph... but we have chemistry that I can feel in our conversations. And the distance doesn't bother me... I'm used to it. We're not at a point where I need to worry about it at the moment, but I've told him before that if I meet the right person, I will do what I have to to be with that person. Turns out it's not where you are but who you're with that really matters. I'm thankful to him for showing me that there are guys who will treat me how I deserve to be treated. I think, regardless of whatever else happens, I have found a lifelong friend.

Well,I have lots more to say about recent goings on, but it has taken me the better part of three hours to type this entry because my phone keeps ringing. I need to head to bed now anyway, because I have to be at work at 5:45 tomorrow morning. Later, interwebs.