Recently, I celebrated a birthday-- the one that comes after 28 and before 30. It was harder for me than I expected it to be... Long story short, I feel old. As I approach the age that starts with a 3 and ends with "Oh, Crap, am I really that old?," I've started to think about how I might need to take a long hard look at reprioritizing what I want out of life.
I've always wanted a family, complete with husband, kids, and pet... and I realize that I'm young and I have a great many years to make this dream a reality, but the problem is finding someone with the qualities I want who also wants me.
I would like to find a man who is a Christian, who wants kids (or a kid) fairly soon, and who is willing to accept me for who I am... this last part is always the hardest bit. Not because I think I'm inadequate in some way, but because most guys without disabilities don't see me as serious dating/possible marriage material. I think sometimes people see the crutches (or the chair, depending on the situation) and are afraid to ask the things they really want to know.
Trust me, I'd rather someone (anyone from my potential husband to my potential hairdresser) ask what they wanted to ask, rather than foregoing the courage to approach me at all. It saves both of us a lot of worry about what the other is really thinking, and if we're that open and honest up front, we're going to have a great friendship at the very least.
Honestly, sometimes I feel as though if a man in the church was on a "wife hunt," so to speak, I would be the last place he'd look. Before anyone gets angry at me for saying this, I'm not trying to discredit myself or any of the wonderful Christian guys out there.... but... when we reach a certain age, people start to wonder when we're going to get married, so we look for someone with common goals who seems to fit nicely into our life.
While I am a self-sufficient, smart, career woman who can get myself to work daily and cook my own meals, I am definitely not the no-frills option when it comes to wife-dom. I require a little maintenance-- and not the self-imposed, materialistic kind. I don't drive. It takes me awhile to make a bed, and on the days when I wake up with arthritis pain, I have to add a few extra minutes to even some of the most mundane daily tasks. But really those things don't even compare to the amount of love and happiness that I could build in a home with someone, so it's unfair to consider only those things.
The church is often one of the first places I would think about looking for a mate. When I first moved to DC, I was struck by the number of people who were amazed that I could actually take care of myself, let alone the fact that I wanted to find a husband. The people who took the time to know me realized that I was no different than any other young woman my age. Our goals were the same; the execution of them just might turn out to be a little different.
Often though, I saw and heard about others in the church being set up on dates or introduced to people who others thought might be a good fit for them. I was never one of those people. What I could never figure out was whether I wasn't being approached in this manner because people were scared of approaching me or because I wasn't making myself approachable.
I'm a girl who's used to making the first move in some ways. Once I have an inkling that a guy might be interested in me, I try my best to open up the lines of communication wide enough so that he feels comfortable assuaging all of his curiosities where my disability is concerned. Sometimes this can be a tiring process, because we have to have so many conversations that start with "Can I ask you a personal question? Please don't be offended." In reality, there is very little that a well-meaning person could say to offend me...and after 29 years of being asked questions, I know the difference between a well-meant question and a question meant to offend.
Some people might say that the easiest way to avoid this problem is to look for someone with a disability... someone who really "gets" me from the get-go. I'd love to.... but so far, the men I've dated who have disabilities have tended to be more superficial than the ones who don't. I've just been dating the wrong ones, you might say, and you're probably right. I'm not looking for much: I just want to be pursued, appreciated, and loved for who I am-- just like everyone else.
But at what point do I just "let go and let God?" It either is going to happen or it isn't, and I know this. I have wanted a family more than anything else on this Earth for as long as I can remember. Just ask my mother. "Playing house" was my favorite activity from the time I was 3 until I was twelve. I think now, though, it is the time to start preparing myself for a life which may include just me and the dog, minus the husband and kids. Not to say that that is a horrible existence in any way at all, it's just not really what I want, if I'm honest with myself.
But if I continue to focus on what I want, I'm going to miss out on truly enjoying all of the wonderful things, people, and opportunities God has given and is going to give me. This Earth is only temporary anyway. It's not my home. I need to find a way where I (as my single self) can be content--content enough to make the best out of my life serving others. Even if it doesn't turn out to be the life that I planned, it's the life that God purposed for me, so I need to work hard to live it to its fullest potential.
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