Engagement season...

Yes, it's that time of year....

When babies lie in mangers, a fat man squeezes down  all of our chimneys, and at least 3 people I know get engaged.

Last Saturday, I put some distance between myself and the guy that I had been sort of seeing off and on for the past eight months.  I love him, and I'm 90% certain he cares a lot about me... but to be honest...

His heart just wasn't IN it, for some reason.

I can't fault him for that; it's not my fault either.  I just think he bit off more than he could chew.

And well... once you bite, you have no choice but to spit or swallow.

And he spat.

The holidays are a hard time for a single person in her early thirties.  Almost all my cousins are married with babies... and I've made it no secret that a family is something I want for myself.  Believe me, I'm not saying that to be all, "woe is me, I'm going to be single and alone on Christmas..."  I know I'm not the only person in the lonely-boat; in fact, if all of us ditched our solo boats and rowed together.... we might not be so lonely.

But my point is, this is NOT a last single girl post...

In the past week, I've been given a lot of advice.  All of it has been good advice... but I just...

Sometimes, I think it's easy for a married person to tell a newly single person, "just get over it" or "if you stop looking, he'll show up."  I haven't ever really been looking.  I don't go out to bars or bookstores to troll for the love of my life.  I'd like to meet someone from church... but well... everyone my age at church is either married, has kids, or has no interest in me...

I've joined MANY online dating sites while single in DC-- a couple for Christians, a couple for people with disabilities, and even one of the major sites (that shall remain nameless).  This has been moderately successful.  I mean, I've had many first dates... and one pseudo-relationship (see the beginning of this entry).

Of course, I've had to wade through several messages from people saying how "sorry they are for my condition," asking "what happened" to me; or coming at me straight with, "Can you have sex and/or children?"

This crazy talk has led me to place the following disclaimer on my profile:

Hi, my name is Jessica, and I walk with armbraces. I was not injured. I was born with a non-genetic birth defect that affects my motor skills. It will not get better. It will not get worse. But if you're going to pity me; don't bother messaging. Life is my party and there's no time to cry.

In fact, I'd rather spend my time: eating, traveling, running 5 k races in the DC area, singing church songs at the top of my lungs, drinking lots of coffee, jumping out of planes, figuring out what I can do to help others.... and meeting people, like you, of course. 

Of course, this disclaimer has led to me receiving fewer messages, but if that means I have to deal with fewer awkward intros and quick fizzling connections, I'll take it.  My membership to this site expires in March, and I don't plan on renewing; it hasn't seemed to work for me in the way I've wanted. 

Right now though, I'm just trying to strike a balance.  I want to find ways to be happy about my single life because I should be.  It is a life full of opportunity, and love, and laughter; and I don't want to miss out on what I do have while longing for what I don't.

I am, however, starting to become a bit jaded, because I see people who have a family, or a husband, or even a serious boyfriend, and I wonder, "What am I doing wrong?  Why can't I have what they have?"

In reality, I know it's probably "not my time" yet, and that my time will come if I keep seeking after God and doing His will.  I know He hears my prayers; and I know He knows the kind of wife I'd be, and the kind of person I need, because He made me.  If it's meant to be, it will be.

I want to see my singleness as a gift from Him instead of something I just have to endure.... but sometimes, it is just.  So. Hard.

I think about my last serious boyfriend, and how miserably he treated me (his birthday was last week.)  He's married now.  I don't want him.... not by even the lengthiest stretch of my imagination....but sometimes, when I'm lying alone, awake at 3:30 in the morning, I think, "If he can find someone, WHAT am I doing wrong?"

And all the well-meaning, attached friends who tell me, "You need to find a nice guy, " or "Someday your prince will come..."

Really?

Will he?

Did he take the slow boat from China???  Because.... ummm... he's late.

I'm not desperate for a husband.  Even if I met the right person, I'd still want to take things slow.  I know marriage is hard.  And that forever is a long time.  I'm not expecting all movie romance and rainbows.

I just want someone to throw his socks on my bedroom floor. so that I can pick them up and put them in the hamper.  Someone who will tolerate my bad taste in reality TV.  Someone who communicates well, loves impromptu dance parties, and wants to study the Bible together every day.

Someone who loves me-- quirks and all.... a love I'll gladly reciprocate.

I know there will be bad.  Lots of bad. No person is perfect... neither is any union (save a soul's union with God.)

 But I've waited so long for him.... that man has no idea how much he'll be loved and appreciated.  None. And if he ever does make an entrance into my life, I'm going to make sure I tell him every single day.

Does Disability Come From Sin?

What I'm about to address is a controversial topic, but it's come up in way too many conversations, and even a sermon or two, in the past 6 months.  I have to say something.  There is a belief prevalent among conservative Christians, regardless of denominational affiliation, that developmental disabilities (like birth defects and genetic conditions) are an indirect result of original sin.  Put more simply, this belief teaches that had Adam and Eve not committed the original transgression against God in the Garden, disability would not exist.  That because man exercised free will and disobeyed God, disabilities acquired in our Earthly lives are one of the ways we have been made to "pay" for the act of our predecessors.

Specifically, this belief teaches that God did not intend for man to have disabilities  but man brought them upon himself.  Disabilities are inherently bad because they are a result of sin.

I have cerebral palsy and Matthew has autism because of sin.

But the Bible does not teach this.  After Adam and Eve sin in the Garden, God is very specific with them about what the consequences of their actions will be:

14 The Lord God said to the serpent,

“Because you have done this,
    cursed are you above all livestock
    and above all beasts of the field;
on your belly you shall go,
    and dust you shall eat
    all the days of your life.
15 I will put enmity between you and the woman,
    and between your offspring[e] and her offspring;
he shall bruise your head,
    and you shall bruise his heel.”

16 To the woman he said,

“I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing;
    in pain you shall bring forth children.
Your desire shall be for[f] your husband,
    and he shall rule over you.”

17 And to Adam he said,

“Because you have listened to the voice of your wife
    and have eaten of the tree
of which I commanded you,
    ‘You shall not eat of it,’
cursed is the ground because of you;
    in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life;
18 thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you;
    and you shall eat the plants of the field.
19 By the sweat of your face
    you shall eat bread,
till you return to the ground,
    for out of it you were taken;
for you are dust,
    and to dust you shall return.” Genesis 3: 14-19 ESV

Specifically in this passage, God condemns man and woman to pain in child bearing, hard labor in life, and ultimately, physical death.  The wages of sin is death, both physical and spiritual. (Rom 6:23).

I suppose that if one really wanted to make an argument that disability is a result of original sin, he could stretch verses 17-18 to include it as one of the toils of life.  However, God doesn't imply that here... so if you want to read the Bible in context, that's too much of a stretch.

Paul, however, does specifically address the role of a disability in the life of a Christian in his second New Testament letter to the Corinthians.  We are never told specifically what Paul's disability is.  He simply calls it his "thorn in the flesh."  I have a theory that he has CP.  (If you want to know why, just ask and I'll go into detail, but that's really the subject of a completely different post.)  Some people think he is blind.  It doesn't really matter what Paul's thorn in the flesh was; we know it was something visible, and he describes it as follows:

"7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,[a] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor 12:7-10 ESV

Paul specifically says that disability exists, not as punishment for sin, but as a test or a trial, given to him from Satan.  At first blush, this description might sound equally as horrifying as the belief that disabilities are a result of sin, but Paul describes it as a good thing.  Contentedness with his weak human flesh gives him opportunity to perfect his strength in Christ.  This is true of any aspect of our humanity; we are to use everything about ourselves, whether we perceive it to be good, bad, or ugly to the glory of God.  We know from examples of other lives in the Bible-- Abraham, Job, even the life of Jesus-- that God never lets man experience any more than he can handle.

Furthermore, Paul says that his disability was given to him so that he would not be conceited, having had direct revelations from the Lord.  He used his "thorn in the flesh" to relate to people and to help bring them to Christ.  He used his weakness for strength.

So this thing that helped Paul, that rooted him in Christ, that helped him bring others to the Lord-- this was a result of sin? No.

This was a result of chance.  A test that God allowed him to endure for his own edification and that of those around him.