When babies lie in mangers, a fat man squeezes down all of our chimneys, and at least 3 people I know get engaged.
Last Saturday, I put some distance between myself and the guy that I had been sort of seeing off and on for the past eight months. I love him, and I'm 90% certain he cares a lot about me... but to be honest...
His heart just wasn't IN it, for some reason.
I can't fault him for that; it's not my fault either. I just think he bit off more than he could chew.
And well... once you bite, you have no choice but to spit or swallow.
And he spat.
The holidays are a hard time for a single person in her early thirties. Almost all my cousins are married with babies... and I've made it no secret that a family is something I want for myself. Believe me, I'm not saying that to be all, "woe is me, I'm going to be single and alone on Christmas..." I know I'm not the only person in the lonely-boat; in fact, if all of us ditched our solo boats and rowed together.... we might not be so lonely.
But my point is, this is NOT a last single girl post...
In the past week, I've been given a lot of advice. All of it has been good advice... but I just...
Sometimes, I think it's easy for a married person to tell a newly single person, "just get over it" or "if you stop looking, he'll show up." I haven't ever really been looking. I don't go out to bars or bookstores to troll for the love of my life. I'd like to meet someone from church... but well... everyone my age at church is either married, has kids, or has no interest in me...
I've joined MANY online dating sites while single in DC-- a couple for Christians, a couple for people with disabilities, and even one of the major sites (that shall remain nameless). This has been moderately successful. I mean, I've had many first dates... and one pseudo-relationship (see the beginning of this entry).
Of course, I've had to wade through several messages from people saying how "sorry they are for my condition," asking "what happened" to me; or coming at me straight with, "Can you have sex and/or children?"
This crazy talk has led me to place the following disclaimer on my profile:
Hi, my name is Jessica, and I walk with armbraces. I was not injured. I was born with a non-genetic birth defect that affects my motor skills. It will not get better. It will not get worse. But if you're going to pity me; don't bother messaging. Life is my party and there's no time to cry.
In fact, I'd rather spend my time: eating, traveling, running 5 k races in the DC area, singing church songs at the top of my lungs, drinking lots of coffee, jumping out of planes, figuring out what I can do to help others.... and meeting people, like you, of course.
Of course, this disclaimer has led to me receiving fewer messages, but if that means I have to deal with fewer awkward intros and quick fizzling connections, I'll take it. My membership to this site expires in March, and I don't plan on renewing; it hasn't seemed to work for me in the way I've wanted.
Right now though, I'm just trying to strike a balance. I want to find ways to be happy about my single life because I should be. It is a life full of opportunity, and love, and laughter; and I don't want to miss out on what I do have while longing for what I don't.
I am, however, starting to become a bit jaded, because I see people who have a family, or a husband, or even a serious boyfriend, and I wonder, "What am I doing wrong? Why can't I have what they have?"
In reality, I know it's probably "not my time" yet, and that my time will come if I keep seeking after God and doing His will. I know He hears my prayers; and I know He knows the kind of wife I'd be, and the kind of person I need, because He made me. If it's meant to be, it will be.
I want to see my singleness as a gift from Him instead of something I just have to endure.... but sometimes, it is just. So. Hard.
I think about my last serious boyfriend, and how miserably he treated me (his birthday was last week.) He's married now. I don't want him.... not by even the lengthiest stretch of my imagination....but sometimes, when I'm lying alone, awake at 3:30 in the morning, I think, "If he can find someone, WHAT am I doing wrong?"
And all the well-meaning, attached friends who tell me, "You need to find a nice guy, " or "Someday your prince will come..."
Really?
Will he?
Did he take the slow boat from China??? Because.... ummm... he's late.
I'm not desperate for a husband. Even if I met the right person, I'd still want to take things slow. I know marriage is hard. And that forever is a long time. I'm not expecting all movie romance and rainbows.
I just want someone to throw his socks on my bedroom floor. so that I can pick them up and put them in the hamper. Someone who will tolerate my bad taste in reality TV. Someone who communicates well, loves impromptu dance parties, and wants to study the Bible together every day.
Someone who loves me-- quirks and all.... a love I'll gladly reciprocate.
I know there will be bad. Lots of bad. No person is perfect... neither is any union (save a soul's union with God.)
But I've waited so long for him.... that man has no idea how much he'll be loved and appreciated. None. And if he ever does make an entrance into my life, I'm going to make sure I tell him every single day.
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