Low points...

All weeks have them, and I guess you could say I've hit mine.

Annnnnnnd it's Tuesday.

My apartment smells of mildew from a weekend washer issue, which flooded the hallway and part of my dining room.

I met a guy last week, who thought I was cool sitting down.  Cool enough to have a 4 hour conversation with, flirt with, and laugh with, but who quickly exited the picture once he saw what I look like standing up.

The guy who I've been "talking to" for over a year now, finally let the cat out of the bag that he wasn't interested in having an actual relationship with me-- just pseudo-relationship like behavior and no commitment, because as his words IN AN E-MAIL said, "if I wanted you we'd be in a relationship."

Apparently, he's none too interested in maintaining a friendship either or he would have chosen to be less of a complete and total jerkface about it.

And come to think of it... the cat wasn't really in the bag... it was out prancing around, kneading on top of my stomach, I just chose to ignore that it was there... because well, he said he loved me, and that I was perfect for him.

Multiple times.

And.

And.

And.

What?  All that other shady behavior actually matters????

Oh.

Well, Wednesday has the potential to be a much better day.... so I'm looking forward to climbing out of the valley and into the sunshine.

Because I'm worth mountaintops and sunshine and people who love me standing up, sitting down, and passed out on the ground...

Or from 350 miles away even....

And so are you.

Dear 16 Year Old Me

Dear 16-Year-Old Me,

You got your heart broken today, and I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry because I know it hurts.  You're a sensitive girl, and you think like a Jane Austen novel.... so I know you feel it more than most. It's ok to be a feelings person, and it's ok to cry, but you need to learn to wear your feelings.  Don't let your feelings wear you.  (I don't know why I'm telling you this; you won't listen.... but you should).  I'll go ahead and tell you right now that you are going to spend the next 2 to 3 years pining over the guy who just broke your heart.  Again, that's ok, because I know you loved him.... but I want you to understand something.

This was not your fault.  You did nothing wrong.  It had to end; it wasn't meant to last forever.  Promises fall so free and easy from teenage lips, because they are taken lightly.  Tomorrow seems like eternity sometimes when you are young, and you are not thinking about who you will be in a day, a week, or a month-- much less ten years.  Let me let you in on a secret.  You may even think you know who you are now, but you don't.

Remember though, this was not his fault either.  Just as you don't know who you are, he doesn't know who he is.  You both need to meet yourselves for the first time, and honestly, it is better if you make those introductions alone.  That way, you can be sure the you that you get to know is the pure, unadulterated you--  the you you want to be, and not the one somebody else expects. You're a people-pleaser, but you need to learn how to find your own voice.  The truth is, you can't add to others' happiness when you're unhappy.  It's going to take you a while to discover this truth, so you should start digging for it now.

You need to shape your own self without worrying about how to fit into another person's mold.  But if you need guidance, look to God.  Use His word as instruction on who to become.  Keep your gentle and kind spirit, and your patience.  You are going to need them so much in the years that follow.

And remember to thank Him for what you had.  You spent almost every day for 4 years with one of your best friends-- someone who did not mind carrying your books, giving you piggy-back rides, driving you around, or responding to strangers who were rude to you.  Because you two grew up together, he knew you, and knew that you were no different from any other girl your age.

He looked into your eyes and saw you for who you really are.

Already, you have had an experience that is rare for most people your age who have disabilities.  You don't appreciate that fact now, because you're sad... but it's true.  And you should thank God for the gift He's given you in that boy.

Also, appreciate how kind and patient he was with Matthew-- that he talked to him, laughed with him, and made an effort to understand him all the time.  Unfortunately, some of the guys you bring home later will be complete jerks to Bucky... or just not speak to him at all.  Remember that you want someone who loves your favorite person as much as you do.... and you are going to be able to tell a lot (and very quickly) about a man's character by the way he treats your brother.

One last thing--try not to be so angry at this young man later in life.  He'll try to befriend you; accept him.  If you don't, it will be a decision you'll regret later.... over and over.

And eat the chocolate rose that your Daddy just brought home.  It will make you feel better.

Love,

You at 32

Smoke and Mirrors...

With everyone I've truly loved thus far, there has been a point when I knew that the relationship was over.  A point of no return.... usually one at which I've felt sadness, devastation, defeat.... any number of negative emotions.

But today marked the end of what has been a tumultuous year and 2 months (almost exactly to the day) with an individual who I know loved me... but kept pushing me away.  Each time he came back (because I know him, sometimes better than he knows himself) I would let him back into my life, hoping that this would be the time, that this would be the day that he'd finally allow himself to commit.

My family and friends told me I was crazy for this, and maybe I was... but if I had to replay the past year again.... I'd tell you I wouldn't do anything differently.  I love him, flaws and all, and I will always care.

We get each other without speaking.  We like the majority of the same activities.  We are both searching, on a journey with God. We have hearts for serving others. We have the same values and morals, and he makes me laugh on bad days.  Despite the fact that he is from the Northeast, his speech is chock full of things Freddie Hunt would say, and just speaking to him makes me feel at ease and at home in a way that I've never felt with anyone else.

Recently, we got into honest discussions about why it has been so hard for him to just commit to me and let us see how things go.  He said that his family is very judgmental, and he worries that they won't accept me.

He doesn't know this, but I didn't believe him.  His statement was just a smokescreen for what he was really trying to say--that it was nice to be with me when no one was looking or when we were on our own in a city miles away from anyone he knew... but that realistically, he just couldn't hack the thought of admitting to his family, his friends, and even himself that he loved a woman with a disability.

He didn't want to hurt me, and I love him for that.

In the beginning, I don't think he thought he'd ever grow to love me... he was playing the field... dating online.... a few other girls and me.  He's a bit of a player, but I knew that going in, and I've always liked the charming ones.  We hit it off immediately.  We had emotional chemistry, physical chemistry, every kind of chemistry there is.  We prayed together.  He would call me and we'd talk every evening when he left his second job at a concert venue.  Things blossomed rapidly between us.  We'd seen each other less than a handful of times and were talking about marriage and moving options for either or both of us.  But distance makes things hard... and there comes a time when you have to decide whether to go all-in or go your separate ways.

He would always choose to leave.  But knowing him, I knew he'd be back.... so while I was hurt by temporary absences, they never fazed me that much.  But today.... today is different...

I made him talk about a situation with another woman.  I asked him why her and not me.

And his answer was, "I like that I met her in person and not online."

I call shenanigans.

Again, he was avoiding the real answer to the question... and I told him so.

Real love doesn't care where you meet.  I love him.  I'm certain I'll always care.

But today... at the end of this conversation, instead of feeling rejection, devastation or defeat.... I felt peace.

Complete and utter peace.

Relief almost.

Because I know what I want out of life... I want to be surrounded by people who accept me for who I am truly... no matter where we are or who we are with.

If I experience love, I want a love that is honest, even when it hurts.

I want a love that won't run away, even when it's scared or angry or tried or tested.

I want a love that puts me first.  Because I know the right man won't be consumed with what others think of the fact that I have armbraces.  He himself won't care.... heck, it might even make me more endearing to him.  I know these men are out there.... because I've seen my friends meet them, fall in love, and marry them.

I'm not giving up on love just because one man couldn't get over himself enough just to see what was there between us.  Because the connection was there, it is there, and even he doesn't deny it.

Love is a choice, and he didn't choose me.  He could have, but he chose fear instead.

Today, as I was praying for him, it was almost as though God patted me on the shoulder and said, "He doesn't love you the way I do.  He can't right now. It's ok to let go, and be with those who do."

And so I unclenched my fists, and deleted our text conversation, feeling nothing but incredible calm.

Because through this man's immature, selfish, human actions, God has taught me what true love really is... by showing me how to choose daily to love another human being even when they don't act as though they love me.

And so that's what I'm going to do... I'm going to keep choosing love.  Because God is love, and I am His child.