Smoke and Mirrors...

With everyone I've truly loved thus far, there has been a point when I knew that the relationship was over.  A point of no return.... usually one at which I've felt sadness, devastation, defeat.... any number of negative emotions.

But today marked the end of what has been a tumultuous year and 2 months (almost exactly to the day) with an individual who I know loved me... but kept pushing me away.  Each time he came back (because I know him, sometimes better than he knows himself) I would let him back into my life, hoping that this would be the time, that this would be the day that he'd finally allow himself to commit.

My family and friends told me I was crazy for this, and maybe I was... but if I had to replay the past year again.... I'd tell you I wouldn't do anything differently.  I love him, flaws and all, and I will always care.

We get each other without speaking.  We like the majority of the same activities.  We are both searching, on a journey with God. We have hearts for serving others. We have the same values and morals, and he makes me laugh on bad days.  Despite the fact that he is from the Northeast, his speech is chock full of things Freddie Hunt would say, and just speaking to him makes me feel at ease and at home in a way that I've never felt with anyone else.

Recently, we got into honest discussions about why it has been so hard for him to just commit to me and let us see how things go.  He said that his family is very judgmental, and he worries that they won't accept me.

He doesn't know this, but I didn't believe him.  His statement was just a smokescreen for what he was really trying to say--that it was nice to be with me when no one was looking or when we were on our own in a city miles away from anyone he knew... but that realistically, he just couldn't hack the thought of admitting to his family, his friends, and even himself that he loved a woman with a disability.

He didn't want to hurt me, and I love him for that.

In the beginning, I don't think he thought he'd ever grow to love me... he was playing the field... dating online.... a few other girls and me.  He's a bit of a player, but I knew that going in, and I've always liked the charming ones.  We hit it off immediately.  We had emotional chemistry, physical chemistry, every kind of chemistry there is.  We prayed together.  He would call me and we'd talk every evening when he left his second job at a concert venue.  Things blossomed rapidly between us.  We'd seen each other less than a handful of times and were talking about marriage and moving options for either or both of us.  But distance makes things hard... and there comes a time when you have to decide whether to go all-in or go your separate ways.

He would always choose to leave.  But knowing him, I knew he'd be back.... so while I was hurt by temporary absences, they never fazed me that much.  But today.... today is different...

I made him talk about a situation with another woman.  I asked him why her and not me.

And his answer was, "I like that I met her in person and not online."

I call shenanigans.

Again, he was avoiding the real answer to the question... and I told him so.

Real love doesn't care where you meet.  I love him.  I'm certain I'll always care.

But today... at the end of this conversation, instead of feeling rejection, devastation or defeat.... I felt peace.

Complete and utter peace.

Relief almost.

Because I know what I want out of life... I want to be surrounded by people who accept me for who I am truly... no matter where we are or who we are with.

If I experience love, I want a love that is honest, even when it hurts.

I want a love that won't run away, even when it's scared or angry or tried or tested.

I want a love that puts me first.  Because I know the right man won't be consumed with what others think of the fact that I have armbraces.  He himself won't care.... heck, it might even make me more endearing to him.  I know these men are out there.... because I've seen my friends meet them, fall in love, and marry them.

I'm not giving up on love just because one man couldn't get over himself enough just to see what was there between us.  Because the connection was there, it is there, and even he doesn't deny it.

Love is a choice, and he didn't choose me.  He could have, but he chose fear instead.

Today, as I was praying for him, it was almost as though God patted me on the shoulder and said, "He doesn't love you the way I do.  He can't right now. It's ok to let go, and be with those who do."

And so I unclenched my fists, and deleted our text conversation, feeling nothing but incredible calm.

Because through this man's immature, selfish, human actions, God has taught me what true love really is... by showing me how to choose daily to love another human being even when they don't act as though they love me.

And so that's what I'm going to do... I'm going to keep choosing love.  Because God is love, and I am His child.