Jess Does DC.... and Other Not-So-Sordid Tales

When my life changed last year and I lost one of the best friends I'd ever had (which is sad considering how he treated me sometimes) I had promised that I would re-devote my old blog at vivelajeunesse.vox.com to chronicling my own life instead of occasional broken-hearted rants.

Since then, everytime I've opened up that page, a wave of sadness has come over me. I have opened up the box to compose a new entry and have stopped short each time. I begin reading my old words, over and over, reliving the pain that I went through when my relationship with Justin ended. I'm "over" that phase of my life now (as much as anyone can be over a promise of forever long forgotten by the promissor). I decided that this rehashing of old feelings was unhealthy for me in a lot of ways and that my new life needed a new space.... so.... here we are. Lepantouflejaun (the yellow slipper) will be coming to you from various locations around the DC Metropolitan area, reporting on life as a single crippy chick in our nation's capital.

I'll admit to you now that I started this blog for the same reason I have started all of my other blogs. I love to write. I'm not the best writer, but "they" say everyone has a novel in her, and assuming that the ubiquitous "they" are right, you'll be privvy to my long-awaited novel, right here, right now, and in real time.

On January 1, 2010, I was in my apartment here in Fairfax, VA, watching Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve with my mom, my brother, my father and my aunt. We made the trip from Kentucky to DC on New Year's Eve Eve, an excursion that is becoming a family tradition since my parents want to help me carry my gifts back home instead of letting me lug them onto a plane and pay the $25 baggage fee.

I toasted the New Year with sparkling grape juice in one hand and a McDonald's vanilla milkshake in the other. I thanked God for allowing me to live another year in one piece and relatively unscathed. And it was between the second or third mid-milk brain freeze that I made a decision. 2010 was going to be all about me.

Now that may sound a little selfish, and it probably is, but I had spent from late 2007-2009 being completely consumed and concerned with someone else's problems without receiving reciprocal attention; I thought it was important for me to learn how to be comfortable being me again. I hadn't really struck out to start doing things in the city because I was literally on the phone with Justin almost every waking minute. When I wasn't on the phone with him, I was concerning myself with how to find a job for him, how to help him move out here, and how to help him pay his bills. This year, I get to be concerned about myself, to make friends and reconnect with old ones, to explore the city, volunteer more, go to the theater, walk the streets, to decide what I like to do for me.

So far, I've made some awesome friends, most of them other people with disabilities. This has been an amazing experience for me because my friends with disabilities tend to get me in a way that my able-bodied friends cannot (even though they are all still awesome). It's hard to think of a way to describe my feelings accurately. When I am out with my friends who have disabilities, I never feel inadequate. We all have our quirks about us, able-bodied or not, but when a group of people with disabilities pull together, we compliment each other so well. We are are never impatient with what others might consider shortcomings, because we realize that they are what they are-- a part of us. Being around my friends with disabilities helps me to see my own disability as a gift rather than a gripe. It has granted me the qualities of patience, adaptability, and forethought.

I have discovered too that I love to empower others around me who may not have as much pride in their disability. I tend to be the motivator in my small group. I didn't discover how much I truly loved being an advocate for others with disabilities until this year. It has inspired me to go back to school for my Masters in Disability Studies. Georgetown has a program and I've applied. I should hear back sometime within the week. I'm hoping and praying I get in because I think it is an opportunity that when coupled with my law degree will open up a lot more opportunities for me to help others with disabilities.

I also had one more goal for this year. I wanted to focus on finding someone who loves me-- really loves me. Despite my faults. For my faults. Because of my faults. I wasn't even sure if that was possible, but I was going to try. I am hard-wired to want a family. I want to find the person who thinks that taking care of others is as important as I do, who will take care of me and let me take care of him. I want to find someone who I can trust to keep me safe and protect me. I want to find someone who loves God and wants to be with me in heaven. I want to find someone who could be my entire family until I'm 83. I'm at a point in my life where I think I want kids and I think I'd be a good mother... but honestly, the most important thing to me is finding someone who wants to be my companion for the rest of our lives. Beyond that, we can figure the rest out later.

I registered for several dating sites-- even one for people with disabilities. Since then, I've gone out on a few first dates; it's been an interesting and odd experience for me going out with people I don't know from Adam... but good for my self-esteem. And fun. Meeting new people is always fun.

Strangely though, the person I really like has not yet met me in person... because he lives in another state. I won't divulge much at all, because these are the interwebs, but the basics are these. He's older than me by 11 almost 12 years, which may sound like a lot, but after my last few relationships, I knew that to find anything meaningful, I knew I wanted to date someone older. He has a disability too, CP, like me, which means we have the instant crippy connection. We can talk for hours and it feels like 20 minutes. He makes me laugh. He listens to me when I have bad days and calms me down without making me feel like a girly idiot. And even from so many miles away, he can make me feel pretty. He says nice things to me for no reason-- something I'm not used to. We have some of the same pastimes, both love food, CHEESE, and fun weekends. He challenges me in good ways. He loves God, but admits he's flawed... which is not an easy thing for most people to do. He's just awesome in my book. Talking to him most every day is a part of the day I really look forward to.

Granted, we've not met in person yet, so we haven't been on a date and things may change when he sees me outside a photograph... but we have chemistry that I can feel in our conversations. And the distance doesn't bother me... I'm used to it. We're not at a point where I need to worry about it at the moment, but I've told him before that if I meet the right person, I will do what I have to to be with that person. Turns out it's not where you are but who you're with that really matters. I'm thankful to him for showing me that there are guys who will treat me how I deserve to be treated. I think, regardless of whatever else happens, I have found a lifelong friend.

Well,I have lots more to say about recent goings on, but it has taken me the better part of three hours to type this entry because my phone keeps ringing. I need to head to bed now anyway, because I have to be at work at 5:45 tomorrow morning. Later, interwebs.