The Game

Those of you who know a lot about my dating life know that I am very much a serial monogamist. I have had few relationships, but the ones I've had have lasted years. And when I have dated without the intention of being in a relationship, I may as well have been in one because I'm extremely uncomfortable dating more than one person at once. 

I can't. I'm too committed. I am not good at multi-tasking when it comes to men. Not only that, but I don't do the "rules of the game."  

If I love you, I tell you. 

If I want to talk to you, I generally do. 

And me trying to hide my feelings in a new relationship is like Al Gore trying to hide the lock box using coordinates he made when he created the Internet. 

It ain't happening. 

Believe me , I've tried. I've tried playing it cool. I've probably at one point or another in each of my relationships done at least 2 of the deal breakers from How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days. (What?? You don't have a love fern?? ;-))

When i do play it cool, i usually come across aloof or angry, and am frustrated with myself because I spend a lot of energy thinking about how I'm supposed to be acting less like myself and more like a girl who could give two cents whether the man she loves feels the same way. 

Because I do care. And I do want to know. 

And I don't want to have to hide who I am. Because you know what?  That's exhausting. And trite. And untruthful 

I have come to the point in my life where I have resigned. 

Resigned to the fact that I love fast and fall hard. 

Resigned to the fact that if a guy really cares, he will see the wonderful person that I am; tolerate the bumps; and hang on for the ride. 

Resigned that I must put a lot of trust in each man I date to treat my exposed heart with the care it deserves. 

Resigned that few of them will. And it will hurt. And I will cry. And the love I feel won't vanish with distance or time alone, but with resolve and prayer and the constant belief I have in my single self, despite my self-degrading jabs. 

Resigned that love is too significant an undertaking to be anything but my truest and best self. 

All those resignations aside though, I am smarter than most men assume. 

I can tell when I'm being strung along. 

I can tell when you've lied to me. (Though not always right away). 

And I can tell when you're not really feeling me, even when you don't say a thing. 

I may not play the game myself; but I've been played enough to sense when you're all in with your chips and riding your chances after I've folded and am ready to go home for the night. 

Men of America, don't underestimate me. I don't have time for games anymore. Play with me and I will call your bluff.