Birthdays. being alone, and burning holes into my flesh...

I'm turning 32 on Sunday.

I'll admit to you that by this time in my life I thought I'd be in a different spot.

If you'd asked me at 22 where I'd be at 32, I would have told you that I'd be married, settled, out of debt, and probably teaching French in some school system or running a small solo law practice.

Instead, I'm single, still in debt, a Masters student, living in one of the most expensive cities in the nation, childless, and I speak French about once a month.

Not at all the same.... not at all what I thought I'd want.... but better.

Since 22, I've completed law school, become licensed in 3 states,  lived alone in France, moved alone to a completely new city, and sought out my job, my living situation, and my church family all on my own.

I have survived 1 marriage proposal, two shattered hearts, and countless ego bruises.

I have fallen in love with my best friend, and watched the rejection from him become the absolute best thing for us both.

I have gone on about 50 first dates in the past 10 years, but only 4 second ones.

I have learned how to budget, ignored my budget, and cried and figured out how to pick myself up off the floor when there was nothing left to budget.

I have jumped from a plane, taken leaps of faith that have resulted in love, and a few that have resulted in heartache.

I have endured a job I hated, left a job I liked, and found a job I love.

I have gained friends, lost touch with some, and watched one lose her fight with cancer.

I have doubted my decision not to just stay in Kentucky.  I have had lonely nights and weepy weekends, and eaten entire tubs of icing because I was convinced that if I was going to die alone, I might as well be full of chocolate.

I have become more attached to a dog than I was ever aware one could be.

I have learned how to sing myself to sleep, take myself out to dinner, and celebrate small victories alone.

I have learned that there is nothing wrong with doing these things alone.

The past 10 years have taught me that the people who love me will remain in my life regardless of distance, or passage of time, and even on the days they don't particularly like me.

They have taught me the value of going out on dates with people who remind me why I like my life as it is.

They have taught me the value of anticipation-- the reward that's in the waiting.

Waiting for a job.  Waiting for the right kind of love.  Waiting for that moment when I'm sitting alone in the quiet of my apartment feeling completely content-- needing no one and nothing else.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the moment.  I guess you could say I have arrived.

32 is not what I thought it would be at 22.... and neither am I.

I am stronger, more confident, sure of my own worth absent any other opinions... and completely ready to take on whatever surprises this next decade may bring.

Bring it on 30's.... let's see what you've got.