Ahhh, the long distance relationship. The old LDR.
I had promised myself after my heart was broken by a man who lived in KY while I was living in Virginia that I would never again stand on the precipice of such an arrangement. And yet, here I am, finding myself completely smitten with a man who lives 350 miles away from me.
Never say never,guys.
People say that relationships are hard. And they are.... the in-person relationships are wonderfully, fantastically, unbelievably hard. But they are worth it.
You know how you can really tell if you like someone enough to want them around in person, though? When it's 3 am or 3 pm or 12 pm or whatever time of day, and you get some exciting news, your dog learns a new trick, you stub your toe, or you buy a new shirt, and the first person you want to tell is not anyone who's standing nearby... but that person who's 350 miles away.
Yeah, you could say I'm in deep.
What I've learned about getting to know someone from so far away though, is that it presents its own set of challenges.
1) First, this LDR.... what is it? No, really? WHAT IS IT?? It walks like a duck, talks like a duck, but it is a....herron???
If you talk every day, but only see each other every month.... is that dating? Is that a relationship? I think the answer is different for every person and every couple. The LDR often requires the DTR ("define the relationship" conversation). You could decide to call it a relationship; you could decide to call it dating. You could decide to call it nothing, but if you decide to call it nothing, you had still better be clear on what the rules around dating other people are.... otherwise, you could end up giving your whole heart to a person who is giving his to you, and someone else, and someone else.
Personally, I like labels. I like knowing where I stand. In my last LDR, that was a huge issue for me, mostly because the guy had proposed to me, but somehow still wasn't ok with declaring himself to be "in a relationship" with me on Facebook.
Red Flag much?
This time around.... I'm not so concerned with what the rest of the world knows quite yet. I love this person very much. He loves me. I know I'm important enough for him to have mentioned me to other people in his life. I am ok with that. I don't date anyone else at the moment, and I trust that he doesn't either.... because if he did, I surmise, based on our conversations, that he would tell me. Would I like to be in an "official" relationship? Yes. Of course. But that will come in its own time....
I'm not going to wait in limbo forever.... but I also don't want to have every important conversation of our lives via text message. If it is meant to be, it will be. So here I sit, contrary to what I said I'd "never" do.... in my perfectly undefined, happy nothing.
2) Every time I get a text from this person, my stomach flips faster than a McDonalds Quarter Pounder on a Friday night. Communication in an LDR is key. And in these days, you can communicate at the drop of a hat.... so why not take advantage? Tell funny anecdotes from your day. Take a picture and send it. Pictures of you. Pictures of your food. Pictures of your environment. Make the person feel as though they are there with you. If you want them to be there and they want to be there, you have them in spirit, and that's what matters the majority of the time.
Just be careful about what you say in a text message. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Some deep conversations are better in person. Others can be had over the phone. Use your judgement. Just remember, inflection can't be expressed in a text. Also, "Let's eat Grandma." is not the same thing as "Let's eat, Grandma."
Please, please, please... I'm begging you... do not end the relationship in a text. My last LDR ended via gchat, and to this day, everytime my current guy sends me a text that looks serious I'm always afraid that's the one. If you can't be there in person, use the phone. Good grief. And if you're worried about not wanting to make the person upset, I'll just say this: they'll get over it. And so will you. No one's life is going to be ruined because you are no longer together. Put on your big boy/girl underwear and cowboy/cowgirl up.
3) Trust. An LDR will help you build trust with a person quicker than just about any situation. Since you are not with them, you have only to trust that they are truthful about where they are, who they're with, and what they're doing. In some sense, it requires more blind faith than a relationship where you see each other every day, but if you are transparent about what you do and who you are, the trust you build while separated can only lead to positive outcomes together.
4) And while you're building this awesome trust, remember that the buck has to stop somewhere. The LDR is not an indefinite arrangement. If it's been 6 months and there has been no talk between the two of you about the potential of making this LDR just an R without the LD, it's time to cut bait.
Take it from a woman with experience. A man who knows he can string you along will unravel that string as far as he can and tell you whatever he knows you need to hear to keep it going. Same thing is true for the ladies. Don't fall into that trap. You are worth more than that. Words and months of texts, e-mails, and calls with someone you genuinely enjoy are amazing, but unless you can see some progression toward action to accompany those words, that's all they are.
In that case you should LDR yourself. Leave, and Don't Rationalize.
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