The gift of hope.

It was hard to sleep in the early hours this morning when I learned that a church friend of mine had gone missing in Bowling Green, KY shortly before the storms hit yesterday.  I had been consumed most of the weekend with thoughts that seem so trivial now, and I was soon lost in much deeper ones.

Adam was by no means my best friend.  My interactions with him were few compared to many others I know and love... but in the nearly 3 years since I met him, he made an impression on me that lasted.  He was hilarious, outgoing, and had a heart for God and others.  Adam left his home on Sunday afternoon with the intention of going for either a swim or a run... which,it  was not clear.  It appears that somehow he may have been pulled under by the current in the Barren River, but it has not been confirmed.  As of now, all we really know is that no one has seen Adam since around 1 pm yesterday.  He has no phone, no keys, no ID, and no shoes.

And so for now, all we can do is wait.  And pray.  And pray.  And wait.

In times like these, I  have no idea how people function without God, because when all in this world seems hopeless, I consider myself blessed to have a source of constant hope in Him.  I know that wherever Adam is, God is with Him, and that whatever he is going though, God will provide for his needs.  I know that his friends and family sick with worry can find hope and comfort in God.  And I know that no matter the outcome of this troubling situation, God will be with us always if we call on Him for help.

Some people say that reliance on God makes me stupid.... I say to them, "Fine... but at least in my so-called ignorance, I have hope.  What do you have?"

Questions like this usually lead those doubting to fall silent, because even non-believers can recognize the healing power and positive influence that comes from prayer to and reliance on a higher power.

God is our ultimate source of love here on Earth, and the example by which we should model the way we interact with others.  He shows us love every day, when he lets us breathe and live and interact and love ourselves, even though we are deserving of nothing, and constantly transgress each other and Him with our actions.  Not only that, He showed us the ultimate act of love by sending his Son to die for us-- all of us-- despite the way we act on the daily.

Those of us who believe in God are instructed to love like him, and yet we rarely do... in this we, I include myself.  God puts us first even when we don't put Him first.  Likewise, we should put others before ourselves even when they don't show us the same regard.  The world tells us that we should always act with our own interest first, but God tells us to put others ahead of ourselves, and always to His glory.

Do we do that?  Do I?  Often the people in our life who act as though they deserve our love the least are the ones who need it the most.  I'm not saying that this means we should never be angry when someone wrongs us, because there is actually an element of love in righteous anger if you bring the issue to the person and address it in love.

Sometimes, loving someone who has made you angry is the best thing you can do for that person, because lack of genuine godly love in an individual's life can lead them to act in ways so very undeserving of any love at all.  When love may be just exactly what that person needs.

Thinking about the situation with Adam has made me acutely aware of the times when I have acted out of anger rather than love.... why?  Because it's made me ponder the fact that you never really know when will be the last time you see someone you love, the last time you touch them, the last time you have a chance to tell them how you feel.

It made me think of my Grandma Hunt when she was in the hospital before she passed away.  The last time I told her "I love you...."  I'm not even sure she comprehended what I was saying, and before that, I know it had been far too long since I had told her.

It made me think of Grandma Flowers, and not being able to be home for her funeral, and how I worried whether she knew how much I truly loved her.

It made me think of other less dire situations, like standing in front of my apartment door with my now ex-boyfriend in April 2009, never knowing that that would be the last time I would see him, or hold him, or tell him how I felt before he would leave, leave me, and find someone else better suited to his needs.

My point is, you never know which "I love you" will be the last "I love you," God, free will, and even chance, to a certain extent, control that variable.  So say I love you everyday; try always to act and react in love; and remember where your hope and your treasure lie, because someday, there you will be also.  

The Placeholder.

I couldn't go to work today. I woke up late with swollen eyes and a sick stomach. There was incredible pressure pulsing through my neck and I could hear my own heartbeat.   I wanted to be alone, and go for a run until my legs shook from pain and exhaustion. I wanted to watch the Voice in my pajamas and eat take out. I wanted to cuddle with my dog.

I did not want to see people or think critically or fake-smile.

For the second night in a row, I didn't fall asleep until 2 am. 

You could say that I am sad. Maybe even a little depressed. 

Why? Because that's the job of a placeholder. We hold the place really meant for someone else. 

We're great and wonderful and the best thing going, until the better thing comes along. That's always been me. 

I'm the crazy opening act at the Fray concert with the disco pants  and platform shoes,  who no one remembers and only about a quarter of the crowd actually showed up to see anyway. 

I am a professional relationship placeholder. 

From ages 12 to 32, I have been a placeholder in every romantic relationship and pseudo-relationship I have had. 

In fact, I often call myself a one-woman marriage prep service. Because the women (or men) with whom my past partners enter into relationships after dating me have a 90% chance of being the person they marry. This percentage is based on the actual rate of marriage exhibited by my past relationship interests. 

I suppose this is somewhat of a compliment to me.... Maybe I show these men how to find the brand of love that lasts. Maybe I help them see that they want to settle down. Maybe I open their eyes to unconditional love. 

Or maybe I just hold the place in line until they bump into their future wife as she's leaving the restroom. 

Whichever. 

I currently love a man. Very much. I'm not in love with him, but when I close my eyes I can see a potential future with him. And for me, that's rare. 

He says he loves me, and I believe him. We've known each other for 6 months, but from a distance...so we haven't really had a chance to have a relationship in the conventional sense. 

In recent conversations, he revealed to me that he is still in love with his ex. That he finally understands the nature of the love he feels for her and he thinks they are soulmates. This ex, I believe, is currently dating another person. 

I've had this conversation before. Multiple times. 

I couldn't be angry at him, because I know what it is like to love someone completely. To love that person, their family, who they are in every aspect. 

I encouraged him to tell her the truth. 

I've experienced that kind of love. My parents have that kind of love for each other. If you can hold on to it, you don't want to let that kind of love get away. 

So, I've removed my place card and left the room, and he's there waiting for the actual guest of honor to show up and decide whether to sit at his table. 

My job is done here. Even if things don't work out between them, I have to leave. Because I deserve more than to be someone's second choice; or to be put on standby in case his best case scenario doesn't work out. 

Don't I deserve someone who's saving a place for ME and only me?  Shouldn't I hold out for the person who thinks that I'm not just the best thing for right now, but the best thing forever?

I want a place at the table, with my OWN name card, and a man who pulls out my chair and hugs me sincerely, because he's ecstatic that I showed up. 

I don't think I've ever had that. Until that man shows up, I'll be holding a place for HIM... Currently wearing my Batman jammies with half an order of General Tso's to share.