The Placeholder.

I couldn't go to work today. I woke up late with swollen eyes and a sick stomach. There was incredible pressure pulsing through my neck and I could hear my own heartbeat.   I wanted to be alone, and go for a run until my legs shook from pain and exhaustion. I wanted to watch the Voice in my pajamas and eat take out. I wanted to cuddle with my dog.

I did not want to see people or think critically or fake-smile.

For the second night in a row, I didn't fall asleep until 2 am. 

You could say that I am sad. Maybe even a little depressed. 

Why? Because that's the job of a placeholder. We hold the place really meant for someone else. 

We're great and wonderful and the best thing going, until the better thing comes along. That's always been me. 

I'm the crazy opening act at the Fray concert with the disco pants  and platform shoes,  who no one remembers and only about a quarter of the crowd actually showed up to see anyway. 

I am a professional relationship placeholder. 

From ages 12 to 32, I have been a placeholder in every romantic relationship and pseudo-relationship I have had. 

In fact, I often call myself a one-woman marriage prep service. Because the women (or men) with whom my past partners enter into relationships after dating me have a 90% chance of being the person they marry. This percentage is based on the actual rate of marriage exhibited by my past relationship interests. 

I suppose this is somewhat of a compliment to me.... Maybe I show these men how to find the brand of love that lasts. Maybe I help them see that they want to settle down. Maybe I open their eyes to unconditional love. 

Or maybe I just hold the place in line until they bump into their future wife as she's leaving the restroom. 

Whichever. 

I currently love a man. Very much. I'm not in love with him, but when I close my eyes I can see a potential future with him. And for me, that's rare. 

He says he loves me, and I believe him. We've known each other for 6 months, but from a distance...so we haven't really had a chance to have a relationship in the conventional sense. 

In recent conversations, he revealed to me that he is still in love with his ex. That he finally understands the nature of the love he feels for her and he thinks they are soulmates. This ex, I believe, is currently dating another person. 

I've had this conversation before. Multiple times. 

I couldn't be angry at him, because I know what it is like to love someone completely. To love that person, their family, who they are in every aspect. 

I encouraged him to tell her the truth. 

I've experienced that kind of love. My parents have that kind of love for each other. If you can hold on to it, you don't want to let that kind of love get away. 

So, I've removed my place card and left the room, and he's there waiting for the actual guest of honor to show up and decide whether to sit at his table. 

My job is done here. Even if things don't work out between them, I have to leave. Because I deserve more than to be someone's second choice; or to be put on standby in case his best case scenario doesn't work out. 

Don't I deserve someone who's saving a place for ME and only me?  Shouldn't I hold out for the person who thinks that I'm not just the best thing for right now, but the best thing forever?

I want a place at the table, with my OWN name card, and a man who pulls out my chair and hugs me sincerely, because he's ecstatic that I showed up. 

I don't think I've ever had that. Until that man shows up, I'll be holding a place for HIM... Currently wearing my Batman jammies with half an order of General Tso's to share.