The time of year when new bonds form, and old bonds take new shape.
The time of year when the cute dresses in my closet are in heavy rotation for engagement parties, and weddings, and first-meetings of friends' new loves.
Everyone seems to take an interest in my relationship status.
The convenience store clerk.
The bus driver.
The random person on the street. Shaking my hand and holding it a few seconds longer than usual to glance down at my left hand and find:
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some nails in need of a manicure and a very pretty diamond once the symbol of a great love (my parents'). My ring finger, however, is of course bare.
"You'll find someone," a complete stranger assures me. "When you're not looking, he'll be there."
Well, trust me, I'm not looking... and there are a few men vying for my affections. But you know what they say-- when you know, you know. And I think I know....
that right now is just not the right time.
That my time will come with someone who loves, appreciates, and cherishes me for all that I am.
I don't say this with trepidation or hesitation, or in order to convince myself.
I say it because I know it to be true.
Last month, I was called to testify at my agency's annual performance hearing in front of Councilmember Jim Graham. Our office had spent weeks before the testimony preparing 40 pages of compiled information about our past year's accomplishments to be able to field any question he might ask. But when we came to the table, Councilmember Graham seemed to only want to talk about one thing: marriage.
Prior to our testimony, a member of the public and a well-known member of the disability community, Ricardo, had offered testimony on our behalf. As part of his testimony, Ricardo told his story. He had lived at the infamous Forest Haven institution for as long as he could remember, and was there until it was closed down in 1994 due to conditions that violated the residents' civil rights. To see Forest Haven today, watch the video below.
When Ricardo left Forest Haven, he was told that he'd struggle, that he wouldn't find a job, or have a family, or live on his own. Though his journey has taken years, Ricardo has proven all of the naysayers wrong. He owns a home, is very active in the community and disability rights movement, and he and his wife (who met at Forest Haven) are now enjoying their first granddaughter.
Upon hearing Ricardo's story, Councilmember Graham was moved, so when my co-worker Mat and I approached the table with our boss, he asked us about our marital status. I suppose it's relevant to say here that Mat is also a person with CP and walks with armbraces, so we both have visible disabilities. Mat is marrying his girlfriend Melissa this summer, so the Councilmember spent some time congratulating him....
And then he came to me....
"Are you married, young lady?" he asked in front of the estimated 10 people watching DC public access television that day.
"No, sir... but I'm working on it."
"Can you believe, ladies and gentlemen, that at one time, people such as this intelligent and attractive young lady here weren't allowed to marry?"
I kept expecting a door to open behind him revealing a panel of men, a la "The Dating Game..." but alas, all I got that day was a free personal ad broadcast on what is probably the least watched cable channel this side of the NASA live-feed channel.
The point he made though is an important one. I don't think most people outside the disability rights movement realize that until the 1970's voluntary (and involuntary) sterilization was a common practice in the disability community. Some states still have sterilization laws on the books. There is an attitude that is sadly somewhat persistent, encouraging the belief that people with disabilities shouldn't have families, or that if we do have children, their lives will be miserable and burdensome, both to the children as they age, and to the state who will supposedly have to provide for them.
Now, the rights of parents with disabilities really deserve another post, so I won't broach the subject any further. What I will say is that I see evidence of this attitude everyday in my own life.
When people tell me I shouldn't have kids because it will "be too hard."
When a well meaning person sees a nice guy with CP and says, "Oh, he'd be perfect for you."
Why? I don't even know him... us both being ceeps just means that we have one common physical characteristic.
One.
Maybe two, if he's a preemie.
Making an assumption about what I can and cannot accomplish or about who I should or should not be with based on my outside appearance is.... well.... shallow.
Believe it or not, it may not be as harsh, but it is in the same line of thinking as the assumptions the Forest Haven officials and staff made about Ricardo when he left the institution... and he defied them all.
How? Through love. With the right supports and the right partner, Ricardo accomplished goals that society for years had declared impossible for him.
And he thrived.
Ricardo's story is proof that love is all you need. Because with love comes determination, and perseverance, and ingenuity. Love is the driving force that pushes us through adversity. It gives us strength when we are weak, hope when we are lost, and a smile through the tears.
Realistically, love may not sustain you on its own, but if you let it grow, it has the potential to be the sole catalyst to achieving all you dream.
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