I especially have a hard time letting go of people. Whether it's a friend who doesn't treat me as I deserve or a romantic interest that is no longer interested or interesting, I can't let go.
Don't let this make you think I'm some sort of psycho who will stalk a person if he or she has made it clear that I'm not a welcome presence in his or her life. Quite the opposite, people often tell me that I'm hard to read, or that they're unsure how I feel about them because I can seem distant at times. I force the distance though, because my feelings are too intense to let show. Or maybe I'm not ready to show them yet. Or maybe I'm fearful of the other person's reaction. in reality, once I let you into my life, you're in to stay, and I tend to be loyal to that connection, regardless of what happens between us.
Now again, this trait isn't inherently awful. Sometimes rekindled friendships are stronger than the initial connection. And I'm happy that I've remained friends with many of the people I've dated. These guys are some of the people who know me best.... But....
There's this period of relationship limbo where my heart seems to cling to anything that reminds me of that person as a sign of hope.
When I'm trying to let go, I crave space from the situation, and yet, everything seems to remind me (a song, a random person on the street, a movie, some quote I hear) that my heart still has this white-knuckled grip on just the hope that there is something still there that could grow into a relationship.
It's not about desperation, though I think that's how it's misread sometimes. It's about loving the person. Loving all people. I'm a lover, and someone who will fight for love, even at the lowest points, because love should always win.
As I grow older though, I see how this inherently good fight can turn inward and be so self-destructive. How it can hold me back and hold my heart back to keep fighting for a prize that is not even there for the taking.
I see now that I in some sense have wasted years of my life at times holding onto the hope that my love would overcome.... When really, it takes two people fighting for the same end for love to really "conquer all."
The only sole love that has ever conquered all is Christ's love for us when he died on the cross. His love conquered all of our sins and insecurities and brushes with spiritual death. His love is the only love that can overcome it all.
So I'm laying my cares at the cross today, and asking for His love to overtake my weaknesses. I'm focusing my gaze on Him and His promise to never forsake me. I'm envisioning my white-knuckled grip, not on any earthly Union or person.... But on His hand. I'm holding onto Him, praying that His grip on my heart will help me loosen my own.
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