She said, "I'm just not happy right now. We want different things. I keep thinking, "Should I be here? I'm young enough to get out, and we're not married yet, so now would be the time."
I said, "Ask yourself one question: would you rather have a difficult life with this person or an easier life without them there? Which is more important to you? Having who you love or what you want?"
At least for most people my age, the answer always seems to be, "having what I want." I think sometimes we expect too much from relationships...that nothing that's right should ever be hard. And the minute it gets hard, it must not be right.
That's just not true. What makes something right is work. It's understanding. It's combined effort. People change and situations change and feelings change. Sometimes, my significant other has felt like my best friend. Sometimes he's felt like my one and only love. And sometimes, in the middle of a bad day or an argument, I've looked at him and thought, "This person, God? Him?? Really. Just not today. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place."
The truth is-- when you're in a relationship with someone-- there are going to be some days you have doubt. You're human. And you should expect that there will be some days that your partner will doubt too. You just have to accept that as normal. It happens. People doubt. And you know what? At that particular doubting moment, there might be someone out there who would make you happier. There might be someone who would "get you" a little easier on that particular day. There might be someone with whom you could have more money or a better physical relationship or less disagreement.
But....
From the relationships I've seen that have lasted and are happy, the hard times and doubt haven't pulled those couples apart. They've brought them together. My parents for example have been together the majority of their lives--43 years-- if you count courtship and marriage.
And it's not because my mom never got angry at my dad for a stupid reason.
Or because my dad has never been a jerk, especially in their younger days, from what I understand.
Or because they've always had money or happiness or the best of everything the world has to offer.
It's because to my parents-- it's always been more important to them to have each other.
Even when they're fighting, my mom will tell you that she wouldn't know what to do if he didn't come home.
Even when my dad just doesn't get what mom is talking about, he'll tell you he'd rather be confused by her than anyone else on earth.
Why?
Because they made a commitment to love each other for the rest of their lives. And that commitment comes first. Their promise to love always comes first.
What is love? (Baby, don't hurt me no more... :-))
That's the other thing-- for a relationship to work-- both parties have to be operating from the same definition of love.
I know that sounds maybe too obvious to state, but I don't think it is. You should have concrete conversations with your partner about how they define love. What is love to them? Is love a commitment to the relationship? Is it a commitment to a particular person? How does love operate? Who does it put first? What does it value? When does it end? Does it end?
For my parents, if we asked them right now, separately, they would give me the same answer-- God. And then my dad would probably break out the Bible and go to 1 Corinthians 13.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
So many people quote these verses, because they're pretty-sounding and a nice idea, but they don't really read them to live them.
What is love then? Maybe it's easier to understand what love isn't.
Love isn't self serving.
Love doesn't envy.
Love is not proud.
Love doesn't boast.
Love doesn't dishonor others.
Love is not easily angered.
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not rejoice in evil.
Does this sound like many modern relationships you know? Usually, in the world, love is something more akin to :
Love is what makes me happy, and if it doesn't make me happy all the time, it's not love.
Love always wants what I want all the time.
Love is always convenient and easy to find.
Love will make others envy me.
Love won't demand more of me than I think I can give.
Love will tell me what I want to hear.
Love better not ever do me wrong, because the minute that happens, I'm out.
Love is whatever feels good.
Those definitions, or even variations of them, are vastly different. One puts self first. The other puts love first.
And working from two different definitions trying to come to a consensus on what one relationship should be will never end well.
How you define love affects how you treat the other person. How you value them. Where they fit on your list of priorities. What you do when things aren't working out. What you do when things are working out. What you expect of them. What you expect of yourself. How you define love determines how you define your relationship.
When two people define love the same way, they want the same things, prioritize the same things, and expect the same things, within reason. When one of them acts out of line with that definition (it happens) the other is more likely to wait it out because they know that they can expect that their partner will always come back to the truth they started from in the beginning.
That they love each other. And that to both of them, that love means the same thing.
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