Here is a non-exhaustive list of things that bring me joy, in no particular order. Sometimes, on rough days, it helps to remind myself of all the things in my life that make me happy.
God has blessed me so richly, just through the many simple pleasures He allows me to enjoy every day.
I'm going to stop at 20, not because I could not think of more, but because I need to have a reasonable stopping point.
I challenge you to make your own list to refer back when you need a pick-me-up. It will really help more than you think.
1) Hearing someone I love say, "I love you, Jess" and reveling in the comfort of that truth.
2) Reading a Bible passage multiple times and catching something new each time.
3) Singing in church-- specifically "It Is Well With My Soul," "Abide with Me," "Purer in Heart," "Sing and Be Happy," "Ten Thousand Angels," "The Greatest Command," "Come Share the Lord," "As the Deer Pants," "Thy Word," "Night with Ebon Pinion," "Soldiers of Christ, Arise," "We Will Glorify," "The Battle Belongs to the Lord," "Holy, Holy, Holy".... and this could go on so I'll stop.
4) Singing. Period. All day. Any day. Any thing. Music is my second love.
5) Good food. Cooking it for others. Eating it. Finding the joy in sharing a meal or trying something new.
6) Clean sheet Tuesday.
7) Grass. Specifically, bluegrass. The smell, the feel, pulling it between my toes. Lying in it in the warm sun.
8) Coffee. All kinds, but especially anything from Caribou. And fresh ground.
9) My brother's laugh.
10) The smell of my dad: Downy, cigarette smoke, and wintergreen mints.
11) When I am home for a visit and my mama kisses me goodnight.
12) Holding a sleeping baby.
13) Soothing a crying baby.
14) Hearing any child laugh.
15) Making another person smile.
16) Writing/sending cards and letters.
17) Speaking French or hearing it in places I least expect.
18) Sable frambroise, true cafe au lait, foie gras, charcoutrie, fromage blanc, crepes with nutella and bananas, gallettes... and this could go on too..
19 )Movies (Old, new, any) Musicals. Snuggling with the dog watching one on a Sunday night. Taking myself to the movies with Milk Duds and pop corn. Or if I'm on a date... that silly thing that you do where you keep purposefully brushing each other in the dark, just so your hands can connect.
20) Skiing while snow is falling.
Oh.... I can't stop there..... let's make it 25.
21) Baking goodies for displaced people who stay in the shelter next to my work.
22) Explaining the law to someone and seeing what I tell them actually make a difference.
23) The lines a vacuum makes in the carpet.
24) Kisses on my forehead.
25) Sweating through my shirt during a workout or a race.... and crossing the finish line.
What are the little things that bring you joy??
Friday, January 24, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Don't steal my joy.
The end of 2013 and the start of 2014 have already brought so much change to my perspective.
I've started the year with a conscious effort to seek joy from God every day. The fact is that we should all be living each day as though it is our last.... because it could be.
It is a documented scientific fact that every human heart has a finite number of beats. Our days on this Earth are numbered, and our Creator knows this. He knows this well. He knows it so well that He could tell us each the number of days we have left, and the number of hairs we'll have on our heads on that last day.
Ironically, the decision I made to seek more joy from the Lord each day has stemmed from a series of losses. The physical loss in the past few months of individuals on this Earth whom I have loved and whom I have known others to love, and the spiritual loss I have seen taking hold in my own life. By spiritual loss, I mean it's become clear to me that I have been losing ground in my own spirituality over the past at least 3 months (maybe longer).
And again with the irony here... I noticed this change in me when I chose to cut off contact with someone in December who had played at least a small role in a lot of my spiritual growth over the first half of the year. The way that I reacted toward the "bump in the road" of our friendship was not very Christ-like. He had done and said things that hurt me.... multiple times....yes....... and nothing excuses some of those actions, because they were undeserved.
HOWEVER, the response to those actions is to talk to him about them... not to send e-mail after e-mail and then go all passive-aggressive on Facebook. That's not me. That is anger. That is hurt. And that is about the maturity of a 16 year old....
BUT that is not Christ-like.
I kept doing the same thing over and over.... reacting the same way when I was hurt, in a way that could have been more loving and respectful.... but wasn't... and expecting a different result.
That is not Christ-like; that is the definition of insanity.
The thing about friendships routed in Christian love, though, is that they are first and foremost about forgiveness. Everyone you love, if you truly open your heart to that person, will hurt you at one point or another. That is a fact. Humans are imperfect creatures. That's why we need Christ in the first place. The people who hurt you are worth your forgiveness every time, whether they ask or not. Christ said we are to forgive each other 70 X 7 times.
That's a lot of second chances, folks.
And if the person asks for your forgiveness, you should forgive them immediately. Think about it. We are to act and react with the love of Christ; God, through Christ, displayed the ultimate act of forgiveness when Christ died on the cross for our transgressions.... even the ones we haven't committed yet. Every last one of them. If a Christian wants forgiveness from God, all she has to do is ask and the slate will be wiped clean.
Shouldn't we, living as examples of Christ on Earth, forgive the same way?
I chose to forgive this person for the hurt he caused me because I truly love him with the love of God, and having him be a part of my life is more important than holding a grudge over a few bad decisions and moments in time.
Now, I know what you might be thinking--forgiving is NOT the same as forgetting. And you're right... it's not. That's the difference between God and the humans He created; we don't forget. If we truly pray and repent of a sin we have committed, and we ask God for forgiveness, He forgives and He forgets. He purges that sin as though it never even existed.
He can see the contents of a truly pentitent heart, and can give it an instant cleansing through the blood of Christ.
Isn't that something to give you joy? It should be.
But it's also incredibly difficult to grasp. Often God has forgiven us for our wrongdoings long before we're able to forgive ourselves...
And that's where I've been... stuck in this haze of foggy regret over things I've said and done that can't be changed, no matter how much I want them to change... I haven't been able to grow, because I can't forgive. I can't forgive myself.
But the clouds have started to lift, and I have found my joy in something simple: God has already forgiven me.
And though the human friendship hurt by both of our actions may take time to repair, and it may not be the same as what it was when it began, my prayer is that it will enrich us both, and we will emerge stronger and more connected to each other and to Him.
I've started the year with a conscious effort to seek joy from God every day. The fact is that we should all be living each day as though it is our last.... because it could be.
It is a documented scientific fact that every human heart has a finite number of beats. Our days on this Earth are numbered, and our Creator knows this. He knows this well. He knows it so well that He could tell us each the number of days we have left, and the number of hairs we'll have on our heads on that last day.
Ironically, the decision I made to seek more joy from the Lord each day has stemmed from a series of losses. The physical loss in the past few months of individuals on this Earth whom I have loved and whom I have known others to love, and the spiritual loss I have seen taking hold in my own life. By spiritual loss, I mean it's become clear to me that I have been losing ground in my own spirituality over the past at least 3 months (maybe longer).
And again with the irony here... I noticed this change in me when I chose to cut off contact with someone in December who had played at least a small role in a lot of my spiritual growth over the first half of the year. The way that I reacted toward the "bump in the road" of our friendship was not very Christ-like. He had done and said things that hurt me.... multiple times....yes....... and nothing excuses some of those actions, because they were undeserved.
HOWEVER, the response to those actions is to talk to him about them... not to send e-mail after e-mail and then go all passive-aggressive on Facebook. That's not me. That is anger. That is hurt. And that is about the maturity of a 16 year old....
BUT that is not Christ-like.
I kept doing the same thing over and over.... reacting the same way when I was hurt, in a way that could have been more loving and respectful.... but wasn't... and expecting a different result.
That is not Christ-like; that is the definition of insanity.
The thing about friendships routed in Christian love, though, is that they are first and foremost about forgiveness. Everyone you love, if you truly open your heart to that person, will hurt you at one point or another. That is a fact. Humans are imperfect creatures. That's why we need Christ in the first place. The people who hurt you are worth your forgiveness every time, whether they ask or not. Christ said we are to forgive each other 70 X 7 times.
That's a lot of second chances, folks.
And if the person asks for your forgiveness, you should forgive them immediately. Think about it. We are to act and react with the love of Christ; God, through Christ, displayed the ultimate act of forgiveness when Christ died on the cross for our transgressions.... even the ones we haven't committed yet. Every last one of them. If a Christian wants forgiveness from God, all she has to do is ask and the slate will be wiped clean.
Shouldn't we, living as examples of Christ on Earth, forgive the same way?
I chose to forgive this person for the hurt he caused me because I truly love him with the love of God, and having him be a part of my life is more important than holding a grudge over a few bad decisions and moments in time.
Now, I know what you might be thinking--forgiving is NOT the same as forgetting. And you're right... it's not. That's the difference between God and the humans He created; we don't forget. If we truly pray and repent of a sin we have committed, and we ask God for forgiveness, He forgives and He forgets. He purges that sin as though it never even existed.
He can see the contents of a truly pentitent heart, and can give it an instant cleansing through the blood of Christ.
Isn't that something to give you joy? It should be.
But it's also incredibly difficult to grasp. Often God has forgiven us for our wrongdoings long before we're able to forgive ourselves...
And that's where I've been... stuck in this haze of foggy regret over things I've said and done that can't be changed, no matter how much I want them to change... I haven't been able to grow, because I can't forgive. I can't forgive myself.
But the clouds have started to lift, and I have found my joy in something simple: God has already forgiven me.
And though the human friendship hurt by both of our actions may take time to repair, and it may not be the same as what it was when it began, my prayer is that it will enrich us both, and we will emerge stronger and more connected to each other and to Him.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
The letter
Posted here, because I needed to put it somewhere...
Think of it as catharsis. I mailed a written copy too, but who knows if it will be read.
To the guy who's been the subject of every relationship related blog post in 2013--
It's been a hard few days for me. I think that the lack of answer from you was all the answer I needed.
I don't know if you were trying to play me or just keep me around because you needed someone there just in case, but I believe in the love I have for you, and that won't go away no matter what you do. Believe me, I wish it would... Then maybe I wouldn't need half a tube of concealer on my consistently swollen eyes.
I know it's hard for you too. I believe that you love me. I accept responsibility for my part in everything that's happened over the past few months. I wasn't fair, because I didn't stick to my own boundaries/the standards for what I want/deserve from someone. I'm sorry for that.
I hope that if you read my blog post from yesterday, you could see in it how much love I have for you. If you'll notice, I've always been upfront with that, and always tried to show you as much as I say it.
Your words and actions toward me haven't matched for a long time, and I want you to know how much it's killing me to type this... But I shouldn't have to convince someone who says he loves me that he wants to see me, that he should show me how he feels in some way other than a text because he should want to. I've offered everything I can to you.
I also want you to know that I don't think that it's all your fault. You can't change how you feel or what you're ready for.
I will continue to pray for you, and believe me when I say, I believe God will use you for so much good. You may have acted like a royal jerk sometimes, but I invited that behavior. And so have I. Who hasn't?
You are still a man after God's heart, and I will always love that about you the most.
I hope you can forgive me for any hurt I caused you, and know that if you ever need a shoulder, I will be there. Nothing required from you.
.
See you sometime, my friend.
Keep fighting the good fight.
Jess
Sunday, January 12, 2014
How Facebook Ruined My Online "Relationship"
Note the quotation marks in the title.... because it's not really a relationship if you can count the number of times you've seen the person on one hand.
Or is it??
See, that's the tricky thing about online dating, because in a lot of ways, I'd say this person knew me so much better than even a man who had asked me to marry him. We'd had deep conversations, shared faith in God, talked about family dysfunction, goals, hopes, dreams, the ideal utopia where money didn't exist and we could spend our lives helping others and seeing that their needs were met. Music, college nicknames, Greek life experiences, growing up with a younger siblings, birthdays, holidays, what we wanted for our future. All of it-- discussed at length.
Sometimes he would text me just to say what he was making for dinner... or to have a conversation in nothing but malapropisms originally coined by George W. Bush. I couldn't go a day without talking to this person. And I loved everything about him even before we'd met. I'd think someone else was crazy if they were saying this to me before, but now, I wouldn't poke so much fun... because I've been there.
It's amazing what a dependency can build, and how much love can grow from texts, e-mails, and phone calls. Assuming the person is really being genuine, you can learn who they are better than if you had met in person and based initial impressions from superficial characteristics.
So we talked for 3 months. And then we met... and it was like we had known each other for our lives. I was more comfortable with him the first day we'd met than I had been with any other guy.... ever.
Things were good, after that initial meeting we kept calling/texting/talking. And then my birthday happened.... and suddenly, I felt like I was stuck in an episode of Catfish. Because we communicated online, we were Facebook friends. Without warning or discussion, he deleted me as his friend on my birthday and declared himself to be in a relationship with some other girl... who I'd never heard him mention in all these months.
So naturally, I was devastated. I tried calling to ask for an explanation, but he didn't answer. We didn't talk for 10 days. He called and apologized for his behavior, saying that he had just been in an odd place and scared of his feelings. I believed him. Guys can be jerks. He had been through a lot, and I knew that his heart was good.
So then came the next month. A good month of growing closer and talking through a potential move for him, discussing what that meant for our future. Talking for hours after a death in his family. Making inside jokes; sending each other pictures, growing closer by the day.
Then, came Veterans Day. Another hard day for him. And again he deleted me, with no explanation, but this time we talked. He told me he had feelings for someone from his past and was going to try to pursue something with her. We didn't talk daily, but I encouraged him to do what he needed and tell her the truth, letting him know I loved him and would always be there as his friend.
He surprised me one Saturday morning shortly after by calling me and letting me know that he had been up thinking about it, and that he knew I was who wanted to be with. He was on his way to my front door. We spent the day together, one of the best days I can remember even as I type this... and it felt like a new beginning.
And then came December... another girl materialized from thin air.... he said he'd met this one online. I just couldn't take it anymore. She seemed a lot like me in many ways... and I couldn't understand why he kept pushing me away.... it seemed like anyone and everyone was better than me.
And so this time I did the deleting. And I went home to KY for Christmas, but truthfully, I thought about him the whole time. He called me while I was there, letting me know he missed me and would always love me.
And so we talked last week, with me leery of his motive. I still am not his FB friend but I made the mistake of checking his page. He had posted some stupid meme about meeting nice girls and then meeting their boyfriends 10 minutes later.
Funny, but if you're telling me you'll always love me and can't stop thinking about me... why are you (even jokingly) concerned with meeting these nice girls... or whether they have boyfriends??
I'm confused.
I'm done trying to figure it out.
Guys, if you're trying to play... make sure FB doesn't ruin your game.
Signed, The Apparent Human Boomerang
Or is it??
See, that's the tricky thing about online dating, because in a lot of ways, I'd say this person knew me so much better than even a man who had asked me to marry him. We'd had deep conversations, shared faith in God, talked about family dysfunction, goals, hopes, dreams, the ideal utopia where money didn't exist and we could spend our lives helping others and seeing that their needs were met. Music, college nicknames, Greek life experiences, growing up with a younger siblings, birthdays, holidays, what we wanted for our future. All of it-- discussed at length.
Sometimes he would text me just to say what he was making for dinner... or to have a conversation in nothing but malapropisms originally coined by George W. Bush. I couldn't go a day without talking to this person. And I loved everything about him even before we'd met. I'd think someone else was crazy if they were saying this to me before, but now, I wouldn't poke so much fun... because I've been there.
It's amazing what a dependency can build, and how much love can grow from texts, e-mails, and phone calls. Assuming the person is really being genuine, you can learn who they are better than if you had met in person and based initial impressions from superficial characteristics.
So we talked for 3 months. And then we met... and it was like we had known each other for our lives. I was more comfortable with him the first day we'd met than I had been with any other guy.... ever.
Things were good, after that initial meeting we kept calling/texting/talking. And then my birthday happened.... and suddenly, I felt like I was stuck in an episode of Catfish. Because we communicated online, we were Facebook friends. Without warning or discussion, he deleted me as his friend on my birthday and declared himself to be in a relationship with some other girl... who I'd never heard him mention in all these months.
So naturally, I was devastated. I tried calling to ask for an explanation, but he didn't answer. We didn't talk for 10 days. He called and apologized for his behavior, saying that he had just been in an odd place and scared of his feelings. I believed him. Guys can be jerks. He had been through a lot, and I knew that his heart was good.
So then came the next month. A good month of growing closer and talking through a potential move for him, discussing what that meant for our future. Talking for hours after a death in his family. Making inside jokes; sending each other pictures, growing closer by the day.
Then, came Veterans Day. Another hard day for him. And again he deleted me, with no explanation, but this time we talked. He told me he had feelings for someone from his past and was going to try to pursue something with her. We didn't talk daily, but I encouraged him to do what he needed and tell her the truth, letting him know I loved him and would always be there as his friend.
He surprised me one Saturday morning shortly after by calling me and letting me know that he had been up thinking about it, and that he knew I was who wanted to be with. He was on his way to my front door. We spent the day together, one of the best days I can remember even as I type this... and it felt like a new beginning.
And then came December... another girl materialized from thin air.... he said he'd met this one online. I just couldn't take it anymore. She seemed a lot like me in many ways... and I couldn't understand why he kept pushing me away.... it seemed like anyone and everyone was better than me.
And so this time I did the deleting. And I went home to KY for Christmas, but truthfully, I thought about him the whole time. He called me while I was there, letting me know he missed me and would always love me.
And so we talked last week, with me leery of his motive. I still am not his FB friend but I made the mistake of checking his page. He had posted some stupid meme about meeting nice girls and then meeting their boyfriends 10 minutes later.
Funny, but if you're telling me you'll always love me and can't stop thinking about me... why are you (even jokingly) concerned with meeting these nice girls... or whether they have boyfriends??
I'm confused.
I'm done trying to figure it out.
Guys, if you're trying to play... make sure FB doesn't ruin your game.
Signed, The Apparent Human Boomerang
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