Don't steal my joy.

The end of 2013 and the start of 2014  have already brought so much change to my perspective.

I've started the year with a conscious effort to seek joy from God every day.  The fact is that we should all be living each day as though it is our last.... because it could be.

It is a documented scientific fact that every human heart has a finite number of beats.  Our days on this Earth are numbered, and our Creator knows this.  He knows this well.  He knows it so well that He could tell us each the number of days we have left, and the number of hairs we'll have on our heads on that last day.

Ironically, the decision I made to seek more joy from the Lord each day has stemmed from a series of losses.  The physical loss in the past few months of individuals on this Earth whom I have loved and whom I have known others to love, and the spiritual loss I have seen taking hold in my own life.  By spiritual loss, I mean it's become clear to me that I have been losing ground in my own spirituality over the past at least 3 months (maybe longer).

And again with the irony here... I noticed this change in me when  I chose to cut off contact with someone in December who had played at least a small role in a lot of my spiritual growth over the first half of the year.  The way that I reacted toward the "bump in the road" of our friendship was not very Christ-like.  He had done and said things that hurt me.... multiple times....yes....... and nothing excuses some of those actions, because they were undeserved.

HOWEVER, the response to those actions is to talk to him about them... not to send e-mail after e-mail and then go all passive-aggressive on Facebook.  That's not me.  That is anger.  That is hurt.  And that is about the maturity of a 16 year old....


BUT that is not Christ-like.

I kept doing the same thing over and over.... reacting the same way when I was hurt, in a way that could have been more loving and respectful.... but wasn't... and expecting a different result.

That is not Christ-like; that is the definition of insanity.

The thing about friendships routed in Christian love, though, is that they are first and foremost about forgiveness.  Everyone you love, if you truly open your heart to that person, will hurt you at one point or another.  That is a fact.  Humans are imperfect creatures.  That's why we need Christ in the first place.  The people who hurt you are worth your forgiveness every time, whether they ask or not.  Christ said we are to forgive each other 70 X 7 times.

That's a lot of second chances, folks.

And if the person asks for your forgiveness, you should forgive them immediately.  Think about it.  We are to act and react with the love of Christ; God, through Christ, displayed the ultimate act of forgiveness when Christ died on the cross for our transgressions.... even the ones we haven't committed yet.  Every last one of them.  If a Christian wants forgiveness from God, all she has to do is ask and the slate will be wiped clean.

Shouldn't we, living as examples of Christ on Earth, forgive the same way?

I chose to forgive this person for the hurt he caused me because I truly love him with the love of God, and having him be a part of my life is more important than holding a grudge over a few bad decisions and moments in time.

Now, I know what you might be thinking--forgiving is NOT the same as forgetting.  And you're right... it's not.  That's the difference between God and the humans He created; we don't forget.  If we truly pray and repent of a sin we have committed, and we ask God for forgiveness, He forgives and He forgets.  He purges that sin as though it never even existed.

He can see the contents of a truly pentitent heart, and can give it an instant cleansing through the blood of Christ.

Isn't that something to give you joy?  It should be.

But it's also incredibly difficult to grasp.  Often God has forgiven us for our wrongdoings long before we're able to forgive ourselves...

And that's where I've been... stuck in this haze of foggy regret over things I've said and done that can't be changed, no matter how much I want them to change... I haven't been able to grow, because I can't forgive.  I can't forgive myself.

But the clouds have started to lift, and I have found my joy in something simple:  God has already forgiven me.

And though the human friendship hurt by both of our actions may take time to repair, and it may not be the same as what it was when it began, my prayer is that it will enrich us both, and we will emerge stronger and more connected to each other and to Him.