Barbecue

If someone were to ask me how I felt today, my answer would be barbecue.

Cooked.
Well done.
Greasy.
Sticky.

I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't mention my anger over my relationship/lack there of in this blog, and I'm keeping that promise.  For 2 reasons, mostly because I try to be a woman of my word, but also because there is no point.

What's done is done, and it can't be changed.

I knew that this day was coming; I knew that it was 90% sure that I was pushing my heart right into oncoming traffic, but I wanted to believe that the man driving the car straight for it would care enough to swerve before we actually made contact.

But he didn't.  And here I am.

Roadkill.

Like I said...

Barbecue.

And like so many other times before.... I just want to give up.

Why am I never good enough??

Always the best friend, never the girlfriend.

Why can't I just, for once, be confident in believing a man when he says he loves me... instead of waiting for the shoe to drop?  The ax to fall?  The truth to be revealed...?

I'll tell you why.

Barbecue.

Because my goose has been cooked before.  Because I like to think I can believe a person when he asks for my forgiveness... when he tells me he's sorry... when after 9 months, the words "I will always love you," leave his mouth.

When he says, "When I say I love you, I know what that means.  I don't take that lightly.  I know it's a choice.  I don't want to plan our future out today, but I want to spend more time with you.  I can see a possibility of a future... but I want to do this right.  I wouldn't ask you to stay if I didn't."

Because who throws that around?  Really??

Well, I guess everyone loves barbecue.

A life without the possibility of barbecue would be pretty sad.

But me, in this situation, I had two choices.  I could either trust and choose to believe someone I love.  Or choose not to believe, give up on him and walk away.

I will always choose trust.  It will mean that I'll be hurt more; it will mean that I might be used.  It will mean that people might call me naive or stupid or immature.

But I believe in  spending my life clinging to the good I see in those around me.  And though that outlook sometimes leads to situations that cause me pain, I'm never going to stop searching for good in everyone I meet.

I love finding the shine in another person's soul; I believe in giving chances when others may not.  I know that in the end, God created all of us; therefore, within all of our beings exists a little of His ultimate Goodness.  I try to tap into that Good.

My search for Good may make me vulnerable, but I know that if the right person for me ever finds me in this Earthly life, he will be the first man to appreciate that part of me for what it is, rather than exploiting it, or using it for his own gain.

But for now, my plan is to try to peel myself from the hot, sticky pavement.... and find a use for some of the bottles of Guy Fieri's Kansas Sweet Heat sauce in my refrigerator.

Mmmm.... Good Barbecue.