Square peg, round hole

I don't really remember a day of my life where I've felt like I "fit in," and I've always been ok with that.

Don't get me wrong.... I had a loving, happy childhood.  I had a good group of friends in high school, and while I wasn't considered one of the "cool kids," it never bothered me to be a "drama kid," "band geek," or "academic team nerd."  Not for one minute.

In college, I'd say I probably found my niche.  Everyone there was smart, so I never felt like a geek.  There were no cool kids.  Sure, there were Greeks and Independents, but I was involved with both, and I never felt like I was on the fringe.  Same thing with law school, we were all in that one big boat of crazy Hades for three years together-- all of us.  Yes, it wasn't the most friendly place for a person with a disability.  But neither was France.

My point is.  I'm not a victim.  I know how to make my happiness wherever I go.  It's all in the attitude.  I know this well.  There are times in my life that have been like one big giant pity party... I've spent time wondering, "Why me?"  I've stomped around.  I've soaked through pillow cases with tears.  I've  prayed to be someone else for just one day.  I've tried to radically transform my body in the hope that the opposite sex would find me more attractive.  I've tried drinking to belong, cigarettes (once... never give a piece of paper on fire to a spazz!) , sex, cursing, taking on different personalities to suit different people.

At my lowest point, I sat in a bathroom stall with a new razor shortly after having gone through rush in college.  I cried and prayed and contemplated doing what you think someone in a period of self-loathing might do if she had a razor.  In the end, the thing that stopped me was a sorority sister (she knows who she is) coming into the bathroom to tell me how happy she was that we were getting to know each other, and how she was so excited about this new chapter in our lives.

She sounded sincere.... and frankly, I was embarrassed. My first thought was, "What would they do if they found me in here?  What if I was still alive?  They don't have time for this.  Aren't I supposed to be happy today?  Suck it up, Jess.  If these people don't love you, it's possible they might learn to.  Give yourself a chance."

"Suck it up, Jess.  Give yourself a chance."  That's something I've repeated to myself a lot since that day in early 2000.

Homecoming court... representing the class of 1999 my Freshman year of HS

With my pledge class during our sophomore year... I was trying to look thug-like....

Lately, almost every day.  I find myself at another transition point in my life.  Most of my friends are married with kids, and I'm single.  The ones who aren't married seem to be on their way there... and honestly, that's not even what I want right now.  I would love to be in the right kind of relationship, and there is a person I absolutely adore... but he can't commit to a phone call at this point, much less a potential relationship.

I'm not looking for an end result here, I'm looking for potential... and right now, I feel stuck in a bit of a rut.  Everyone young and married keeps telling me how lucky I am, how jealous they are of me... and I understand that the freedom of not being beholden to another person must seem alluring.  But trust me, sitting alone at my table for the 19097th Sunday dinner.... not as alluring.

I'm just at this point in my life where I really don't seem to fit.  Everyone around me is at a different place and seems so grounded, while I feel I'm struggling to find which way is North.   (Though I am pretty directionally challenged at times, so...) I'm too young
yet to share many interests with the older single ladies I know, and the conversations with my young coupled or married friends sometimes turn a little awkward when they continually invite me to be the 3rd, or 5th, or 7th wheel.

Sometimes they mind.  Sometimes, I do.  But I know, just like any other time in my life when I've had similar feelings, that this is a phase... and it will pass.

"Suck it up, Jess.  Give yourself a chance."

I know God wouldn't let me be in any situation that He couldn't pull me through alone.  A lot of times, I wonder why I'm here.... in this uncomfortable, awkward phase of life.  Why my purpose seems unsure....   Why I feel so alone in rooms full of people...Why He knows the desires of my heart.... and yet for now, the answer seems to be, "Not yet.  Wait."

When I'm on my knees, pleading, this is often what I hear.

"Suck it up, Jess.  Give yourself a chance."

God has.  He's given me chance after chance after chance, even when I've failed Him repeatedly.  Sometimes unwittingly.  Sometimes on purpose.  He never gives up on me.... so how dare I give myself less of a chance than He?

I am His, after all.

And I know... that in God's eyes, I will always fit.  That He saw fit to let me live.  To give me a wonderful life full of love and opportunity and chances to serve others.  He created me in His image, and while I may not be certain of the entirety of His plan for me, I know that His Plan exists... and I know that what He has in store for me is better than anything I ever could have imagined.

So, for now, I will continue to suck it up and give myself a chance.