But spending 50 minutes staring at myself in a mirror is the absolute least enjoyable activity on Earth for me (maybe aside from tying my own shoes or picking up a pack of dropped thumb tacks).
What?? Jess is the queen of the selfie, you say. Forget what she looks like? How is that even possible?
Well, I assure you, it is. In my older posts on beauty in this blog, I know I've mentioned that in my head, I don't have armbraces. In my head, I see me for who I am, not my shell. My body is really just a physical vessel carrying the really precious cargo-- my heart and soul.
I could look like Quasimodo, and it wouldn't matter. In fact, I kinda do.
And last night as I was sitting on the bench trying to make sure my arms were fully extended during my second set of lateral raises, I caught it. There in my eyes, hidden under the runny makeup and grimacing dimples after each lift.
It looked back at me, dark, cold, and deep. I recognized it, but met it with surprise. I don't think I knew it was there, inside me, so close to the surface.
Shame.
I heard a voice in my head say , "Wow. You look brain-damaged."
Ouch.
I quickly thought to myself , "Well... That's not exactly untrue. And it's ok."
I tried to push the negativity out of my head, but the more I fought it, I saw it peeking out from behind my eyes again.
"No wonder you have such fair weather friends." I heard it say.
"No wonder guys lie about who you are to their families when they date you. No wonder they move on to other people every time. "
"No wonder you're lucky to get someone to be seen with you outside your apartment."
"No wonder you have to explain your intelligence what seems like 55 times each week."
By this time, it was screaming at me.
The tears started to stream down my face, but I knew no one could tell it from my sweat.
"Stop!" My heart screamed back as loud as it could. "I can't take your crap anymore. You! You. Shame , you are the reason for all those things."
I set down my weights on the adjacent bench and went into the bathroom. Another mirror.
"It's time we dealt with this." I heard a voice say. "Stop pretending like it's not there. It is there and you, Jessica, are the only person who can tell it to leave. You are responsible for taking out your own garbage."
I sat down on a locker room bench and pulled up the Bible app on my phone. I went straight to Proverbs 31.
[d] An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself[e] with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed inscarlet.[f]
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself[e] with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed inscarlet.[f]
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.
I read this passage over and over , as I have done so many times. Isn't it interesting... none of these verses mention what the virtuous woman looks like?
Strength and dignity are her clothing. She laughs at the days to come. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.
She knows that her merchandise is good.
And the virtuous woman...this faceless, physically indescribable woman... She is more precious than jewels.
God cares more about the condition of the heart and soul inside our vessels than what we look like. Are we made in His image? Yes. But God is more than just Jesus in human form. He is Deity. He is Spirit. God is love.
I'm not suggesting that we were all made to be gods. There is, in fact,only one of those.
But we can be living examples of love. When you really consider the virtuous woman, that is the example she portrays.
She does good and not evil. She puts others first: her husband, her family, even her maidservants. She puts stock in intangible goods: wisdom, strength, and dignity. She has a sense of humor about life. She brings good to all she touches. She loves God and her family, and she's intelligent enough to recognize her own worth, too.
This woman, worth more than jewels, she could be me. And if I remind myself that I am always striving to be her, there is no room for shame.
Because as a virtuous woman , I will be saving the best aspects of my beauty for God and for those around me... Including my future family.
And as I put on my coat to leave the gym, I looked in the mirror as I was wiping the last bit of post-gym-smut off my face.
"You're worth it. " I mouthed. I looked into my eyes. It was still there, but I noticed it cowering a little under the weight of my mindset.
Nothing that deep can be cleaned up in one day.
But I'm glad we got real. Because I'm going to keep staring it down, and confronting it with the Truth until I don't see it there anymore.
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